Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods admitted publicly Tuesday his divorce from Elin Nordegren has been tough on him. The $200 million settlement got everyone’s attention. Elin Nordegren will go down in history as the woman who killed the Free Love Movement.
Elin Nordegren spoke to People magazine after her divorce from Tiger Woods Monday. This nightmare is over for her. During divorce proceedings, she’s had to go through the three stages of grieving— anger, denial and dancing around with the settlement check.
Chinese News aired a 60-mile-long freeway jam leading into Beijing Wednesday that’s lasted 10 days. The same thing happened in L.A. 60 years ago and China shouldn’t worry. When the drivers run out of food and water, they’ll just give up wherever they are on the road and form suburbs.
Lindsay Lohan was praised by her judge Wednesday and released early from rehab at UCLA Hospital. That’s the usual sobriety route in Hollywood. A rehab is a place where you spend $60,000 to find out that 12-step meetings are free.
Betty White won an Emmy Sunday for her stint hosting Saturday Night Live last fall at the age of 88. Her age was uncovered while she was in New York. It’s illegal to look up someone’s real age in California because it’s considered a breach of actor-God confidentiality.
President Obama held a conference call with his economic advisers Wednesday when a thunderstorm kept him indoors at Martha’s Vineyard. Who allowed him to do this? Calling these guys for advice during a thunderstorm is a good way to get electrocuted.
President Obama was annoyed by reporters assigned to cover him at Martha’s Vineyard Wednesday as he shopped in a local seafood market. They asked him a question about Iraq and he snapped that he was buying shrimp. He’s really had a taste for it ever since he was in Louisiana and the Secret Service wouldn’t let him eat any.
Jimmy Carter flew to North Korea to free an American citizen the North Koreans jailed for entering the country illegally. That says it all. North Korea has no money and cold weather and little food and Americans are sneaking in for a better life.
California’s Department of Health added pet frogs which people keep at home to the list of suspects for the salmonella outbreak. They’re the latest rage. People are buying frogs at pet stores and kissing them hoping they’ll turn into a job with benefits.
The U.N. Human Rights Council lectured the U.S. on refugee treatment Wednesday. We aren’t so bad. Yesterday only two detentions were reported worldwide, the first guy was a Cuban who failed to escape to the United States and the second guy was a Mexican who succeeded.
U.S. Marine Gen. James Conway said Tuesday President Obama’s promise to voters to withdraw U.S. troops from Afghanistan by next July just encourages the Taliban to hold out. It was just a political promise to the voters. Kennedy wedding vows are more binding.
John McCain won Arizona’s GOP Senate primary Tuesday after he radically changed his previous support for a pathway to citizenship for illegal aliens. It was a lesson learned. In addition to the GOP Senate nomination, John McCain just got his one-year sobriety cake at Amnesty Anonymous.
The London Sun reported that a German man had a bullet in his head for five years and didn’t know it until a doctor found it Wednesday. They think it fell from the sky on a New Year’s Eve. Germans fire their guns into the air every New Year’s Eve because the Allies forgot to include the sky in the terms of surrender.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.27.10

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