Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Florida minister Terry Jones said Monday he will burn Korans at his church this Saturday. This could get really spectacular. The first thing al-Qaeda pilots learned in flight training school this morning is that the tallest structure in Florida is LeBron James.
Tiger Woods was selected to be on the U.S. Ryder Cup team by U.S. team captain Corey Pavin on Monday. He told reporters he’s in the best shape of his life. Tiger Woods did a marathon while he was home in Orlando on Labor Day, but it was a Baywatch marathon.
Brett Favre leads the Minnesota Vikings against New Orleans tonight in the NFL opener. He told how doctors are injecting oil into his ankle to keep it lubricated. For all the grief BP gets about its little accidents in Mississippi you never hear about the successful spills.
Reggie Bush was blamed by USC alums for their NCAA sanctions after his Heisman Trophy was stripped Tuesday. We all know how this ends. Within two years he’ll be fondly remembered as a guy who might have been a cowboy but at least he stood up for America.
The Texas Film Commission was urged to cancel its tax rebates to the producers of the movie Machete because of its anti-white racism. It portrays Texans as evil, rich and bloodthirsty. This kind of slander is going to continue until the slave states form an anti-defamation league.
Spider Man Dan Goodwin was arrested Monday after he scaled San Francisco’s sixty story Millennium Towers condo building. The climb took twice as long as normal. When you’re looking into that many windows in San Francisco it’s emotionally impossible to simply move on.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley announced Tuesday he won’t run for re-election after twenty years in office. All the paperwork was wearing him out. Every time somebody in Chicago goes on a grave-robbing spree, the voter registration rolls have to be completely revised.
The White House urged lawmakers Tuesday to pass President Obama’s latest stimulus spending bill which gives businesses tax incentives to hire people. Something has to be done fast. Forbes just listed the top ten industries in America and begging is up to number seven.
President Obama proposed new spending projects to try to jump-start the American economy on Monday. It will take generations of Americans to pay off the deficit and the national debt. The moment a baby is born in America today the doctor slaps him with a ninety percent tax rate.
U.S. combat troops began arriving home in the U.S. from Iraq Monday. They find an America that’s torn by ethnic, religious and political divisions. Someday psychiatrists will define the Iraq Syndrome as a condition in which you become the country you overthrow.
Zaytuna College opened in Berkeley Monday as America’s first accredited Muslim college. The curriculum is Islamic studies and Arabic. Freshmen students will not be required to wear beanies on campus lest any outsider possibly get the impression they are on their way to temple.
President Obama railed against the rich Monday, saying the U.S. wasn’t founded by men who were greedy and reckless. Perish the thought of greed and recklessness at our nation’s birth. The U.S. was founded by three million English choirboys who wanted nothing more than the land they own and the land that adjoins it, ask any Indian.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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