Argus Hamilton 9.13.10

The Messenger 09.13.10
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New England Patriots star Tom Brady was not hurt in an auto wreck Thursday after another car smashed into his car as he was driving into Boston. It was one close call for the Patriots. A Muslim car attacked him before it heard that the book burning had been called off in Florida.
Reggie Bush was threatened with the loss of his Heisman Trophy Thursday. Some lines you just don’t cross. If O.J. Simpson had accepted booster money while he was committing double murder, he could have lost his Heisman Trophy before he lost his Heisman Trophy.
John Elway predicted Thursday that NFL players will agree to an eighteen-game season next year to avoid a lockout by owners. He says they’ll stay out in the field longer to please their owners. Before the games the fans will sing the national anthem and the players will sing Old Man River.
NBC removed Keith Olbermann from Football Night in America’s broadcast crew on Wednesday. It’s a sign that the political winds are shifting. Just a year ago Rush Limbaugh wasn’t allowed to buy an NFL team and now the league is granting him his every wish.
Florida pastor Terry Jones canceled a Koran burning Thursday after he extracted a promise from Muslims to move the Ground Zero mosque. He was called reckless and Islamophobic. Every public official in Washington denounced him but nobody wants to run against him for sheriff.
Pastor Terry Jones faced a news conference Thursday and canceled the planned Koran burning on his church lawn. There was palpable relief in Asia. The pastor’s Deep Southern accent led many people in the world to believe that he was planning to burn Koreans.
Donald Trump offered to buy the Ground Zero mosque site Thursday for twenty-five percent over its purchase price. How amazing. If al-Qaeda can make a twenty-five percent profit on real estate in this market, Donald Trump is going to enroll in their Get-Rich seminars.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates phoned Pastor Terry Jones and urged him not to burn Korans. One guy stands on a church lawn and declares war on Islam and suddenly the Vatican, the United Nations and the White House are all commenting on him. Liza Minnelli can’t believe that she pays ten thousand dollars a month to a Beverly Hills publicist.
Germany gave its Press Freedom Award to the Danish cartoonist who drew a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed on Thursday. He’s always been controversial. He won a scholarship to drawing school when he answered a comic book ad asking kids to Draw this Foreign Deity.
Iranian dissidents revealed the location of a secret nuclear plant Thursday in the mountains west of Teheran. It tells us two things. Now we know why Iran is being so defiant and why Americans keep getting arrested while hiking in the mountains west of Teheran.
Fidel Castro was conciliatory toward the United States government in an interview this week in the Atlantic Monthly. He’s got only two months left to get the U.S. Congress to lift the trade embargo. Democrats don’t see Cuba as the enemy, they see it as the cigar room.
Andy Griffith’s approval ratings in North Carolina plummeted Thursday after he did a commercial for President Obama’s health care reform. Talk about forgetting your roots. When Andy Griffith was the sheriff in Mayberry for eight years, you never even saw a black cow on the show.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Print