Argus Hamilton 9.14.10

The Messenger 09.14.10

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Reggie Bush faced losing his Heisman Trophy over NCAA violations Thursday. The trouble began when he was given a house he couldn’t afford four years ago. Is it possible that all this time the White House has been blaming everything on the wrong Bush?
President Obama insisted at his press conference Friday that he will raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans. Tom Brady didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The day after an airbag saved his $78 million contract, all the money went to another airbag.
New England Patriot Tom Brady was unhurt Thursday after his Saab collided head-on with an SUV in a Boston intersection. The police said that neither driver had been drinking. This would be a perfect time for Mel Gibson to step forward and point out that sobriety kills.
Tiger Woods’ mistress, Devon James, was fired by the Midnight Bunny Ranch brothel Thursday for going public about herself and Tiger. It’s just not done. She broke the house rule never to discuss the brothel’s customers, particularly the ones voted Customer of the Month.
North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Il named his hard-partying youngest son Kim Jong Un to be his successor Friday. It’s very risky to give national power to the son who drinks the most. You could wake up one morning in Iraq or Afghanistan with no memory of how you got there.
San Francisco had a massive fire in suburban San Bruno Thursday following a gas line explosion. Downstate near Los Angeles brushfires erupted, while wildfires raged across Colorado. President Obama called out the National Guard to make sure that no Korans were burned.
Pastor Terry Jones canceled a Koran-burning Thursday but vowed to carry it out when Muslims rescinded their promise to move the Ground Zero mosque. It turns out he went to high school in Cape Girardeau, Mo., with Rush Limbaugh. The drinking water in Cape Girardeau is now being marketed to orthopedic surgeons as a backbone strengthener.
World Trade Center commemorations were marred by more threatened Koran burnings at evangelical churches across America Saturday. It was moving. What better way to honor the memory of firefighters than to set fire to paper on dried lawns across the nation?
President Obama arrived at his White House press conference in the East Room Friday without his wedding ring on his finger. The reporters in the room noticed it immediately. It was a real surprise to everybody that he’s already decided not to run for re-election.
Hillary Clinton suggested Wednesday that U.S. bases be put in Mexico to battle the drug cartels like we once did in Colombia. The intervention worked. It stopped all the dollars flowing into South America for cocaine and now everybody is on meth manufactured right here in the good old USA.
President Obama appointed fisherman John Goss to the newly-created position of Great Lakes Czar. What a challenge. Goss wants to dredge the bottom of Lake Michigan and remove all the junk down there, but it’s against federal law to disturb a union burial ground.
U.S. Marines stormed a cargo ship off Somalia Thursday, rescuing both crew and cargo from Somali pirates. These pirates recognize no borders, pay no taxes and operate under no laws regulating commerce. They are the only thing keeping the global economy going.
Britain’s Got Talent winner Susan Boyle broke down crying on the stage of America’s Got Talent after the producers refused to let her sing her favorite song. It’s so cruel. If you wonder whatever happened to your childhood friends who used to fry ants on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass, they’re in Hollywood producing amateur talent shows.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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