Argus Hamilton 9.15.10

The Messenger 09.15.10

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tennessee pastor Danny Allen made good on his promise to burn the Koran on his church lawn Saturday. That night Tennessee was upset at home by Oregon in a game delayed by lightning. You can always tell when Allah has the Playstation joystick in his hand.
Sotheby’s is auctioning the Aston Martin sports car which James Bond drove in “Thunderball.” The car has rear barrels which squirt streams of oil and it can drive on water. President Obama wants all the money from the sale of the car to go to the victims of James Bond.
President Obama signed a bill into law Saturday reducing the prison time for crack cocaine possession. No cameras were allowed at the bill signing. It’s believed to be the first bill-signing ceremony ever timed to coincide with the Video Music Awards after-party.
The New York Jets made lewd remarks to a beautiful TV sports reporter from Mexico at their team practice Saturday. She caused a near-riot in the locker room with her blonde hair and tight jeans. It’s just another case of immigrants doing the jobs Erin Andrews refuses to do.
Pete Rose was cheered at Cincinnati’s Great American Ball Park Sunday on the anniversary of his breaking Ty Cobb’s hits record. He stood at first base and wept openly. He lost $10,000 betting that Major League Baseball would never let him on the field.
President Obama pushed his economic plan personally Monday in the backyard of a Virginia home. That’s just as good a place to start as any. In an attempt to pay off the budget deficit, pay down the national debt and pay for health care, he’s searching for the lost Confederate gold.
The White House tried to assure Democratic Party candidates Monday that health care reform will eventually be popular. Right now no lawmaker wants to admit to being there at the bill’s creation. For some reason nothing in the Obama administration has a birth certificate.
President Obama attacked House Minority Leader John Boehner Friday for being too easy on the rich after Boehner ripped Obama for raising taxes. Both of these guys want the same thing. They want a better world, a world where you can smoke indoors and nobody nags you about it.
The White House launched a computer website Friday to help people get jobs immediately. It matches applicant skills to available openings in two seconds. President Obama tested out the website for reporters Friday and it hired him as mayor of Chicago.
Iraq’s government announced Friday the return of thousands of looted Iraqi items and museum pieces from the U.S. They include Saddam Hussein’s pearl handle revolver. Imagine Dick Cheney’s fury when he squeezed the trigger and water came squirting out of the barrel.
Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf hinted Sunday he may be willing to move the Ground Zero mosque, while insisting on the rights of two million American Muslims. They are valued citizens. If you see them run out of the building, you should run out of the building.
French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy issued a worldwide appeal last week for Iranian women to be free from barbaric Muslim laws. The idea is spreading. Women in Iran don’t want to live in the Middle Ages, they want to say they’re 29 like Western women do.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood.He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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