HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Reggie Bush forfeited his Heisman Trophy Tuesday a year after O.J. Simpson went to prison for trying to retrieve his Heisman Trophy. Sportswriters call the Heisman Trophy the top honor in college sports. Los Angeles prosecutors call it a pattern of conduct.
Tiger Woods was honored in Wales Monday when a local brewer in Cardiff named a beer after him. It’s to welcome him to Wales for the Ryder Cup. The Surgeon General’s warning on the beer label advises you to erase your text messages when you get home from the pub.
Lady Gaga stole the show at the Video Music Awards Sunday wearing a dress made out of raw steaks. It drew all the drug-sniffing dogs at the security door over to her. She got a standing ovation when she walked into the auditorium for taking one for the team.
The N.Y. Jets apologized to Mexican TV sports reporter Ines Sainz for harassing her in the team locker room Saturday. The players were coming on to her with only towels around their waists. It really wasn’t that offensive without the lecture on global warming.
McDonald’s was ripped in a public health TV ad Tuesday which shows a dead guy lying in the morgue holding a half-eaten Big Mac. Maybe fast-food restaurants should keep bar hours. You can get food 24 hours a day in America, all you need is money or a gun.
The Census Bureau releases a study on the income gap between men and women today. It found the smallest salary difference in history. The pay gap between men and women has really narrowed over the last few years because unemployment checks are all the same.
The White House announced Tuesday that President Obama has written a children’s book which will be released in November called “Of Thee I Sing.” They said the book will be a tribute to his favorite American in all U.S. history. It’s his third autobiography.
Harlem Congressman Charlie Rangel’s House Ethics trial was delayed Tuesday. His opponent was Adam Clayton Powell IV, who had a sex scandal with an intern. Both candidates ran on the same campaign promise, that electing them would get them out of town.
The Department of Edu-cation said student loan defaults are way up since the U.S. government took over the program this year. They will forgive your loan if you agree to work for the government for ten years. Leave it to our first black president to bring back indentured servitude.
Robert F. Kennedy High School opened its doors Tuesday in Los Angeles at the site of the old Ambassador Hotel and Cocoanut Grove nightclub. He was much admired in the ’60s. At the time it was felt there is no greater love than he who would share Marilyn Monroe with his brother.
Cuba took its first steps toward private enterprise Monday after 50 years of socialism. The ruling regime in Havana announced it will allow five hundred thousand people to work for themselves instead of the state. We’re like two ships passing in the night.
Iran’s government announced Tuesday it’s releasing the American girl caught hiking in Iran last year. Her family had to pay Iran five hundred thousand dollars in ransom money. The difference between Iran and the U.S. is that in Iran the tax collectors wear turbans.
Newt Gingrich caused a storm Monday saying he thinks President Obama engages in Kenyan anti-colonialism. Kenyan rebels deeply resented the Protestant work ethic imposed on the locals throughout the British Empire. We invented longitude to make sure that Happy Hour started no sooner than six o’clock in all 24 time zones.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.