Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
World Series of Poker three-time champion Chip Reese died Wednesday in his Las Vegas home at the age of 56. He was one of the greatest bluffers in history. It was three days before anyone would believe he was really dead.
The Writers Guild stayed on strike this week, still thinking they can get revenue from movies on the Internet. The Internet gives everything to everybody absolutely free. For the first time, people are starting to believe it was invented by a Democrat.
USA Today said 50 college football coaches now make annual salaries of over $1 million. Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops tops the list at $3,600,000 a year. You have to keep up appearances when all your neighbors are in the oil business.
Barry Bonds will appear in federal court Friday to answer perjury charges, even though he’s still negotiating to hire a lead attorney. He’s reportedly appalled by the huge size of legal fees. Now he knows how pitchers felt for the last 10 years.
The NBA began putting microphones on coaches during televised games and placing robotic cameras inside locker rooms Wednesday. Everything the players say will be overheard. The players with Muslim names have been putting up with this for six years.
The White House held a candle-lighting ceremony Tuesday to mark the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. It celebrates an ancient victory over Syria when lamps which only had enough oil to burn for one night burned for eight nights. The White House began celebrating Hanukkah seven years ago when they found out it was about oil.
The National Intelligence Estimate report released Monday said Iran halted its nuclear weapons program four years ago. Now there’s no reason to attack them. President Bush left Santa Claus cross-eyed last night when he asked for a pretext for Christmas.
President Bush flew to Omaha, Neb., Wednesday where he continued to threaten Iran, even though they have no nuclear weapons. The Strategic Air Command headquarters are in Nebraska. President Bush goes there to relieve stress like some people go to the gym.
CIA officials said Tuesday the agency would not allow White House policymakers in the conference room where Iran’s nuclear activity was being analyzed all year. They kept it secret from Dick Cheney until 10 days ago. It literally broke his heart.
Mitt Romney fired his landscaper Tuesday for hiring illegal immigrants to rake the leaves on the lawn of his suburban Boston estate last week. The story gets worse and worse for him. Now he says he did it because of a Mormon Church revelation.
Southern Baptist Mike Huckabee passed Mormon Mitt Romney in the Iowa polls on Tuesday as their religious differences became a factor in the race. Southern Baptists say Mormons supported polygamy and Mormons say Southern Baptists supported slavery. It’s a sign of the obesity epidemic that slavery’s more popular than polygamy.
Cardinal Roger Mahony of Los Angeles claimed this week that he was assaulted on the streets of L.A. in July. He said strangers beat him up but he didn’t tell his friends or the police about it for several months. No one even knew he has a gambling problem.
Hillary Clinton demanded on Wednesday that Wall Street financiers voluntarily agree to give homeowners a break from higher payments on adjustable rate mortgages. The senator hinted at coercive legislation if the capitalists don’t comply. Hugo Chavez complimented her on the proposal but warned her not to put it to a public vote.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger on 12.07.07

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