HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Lindsay Lohan flunked a drug test Monday but was awarded millions in her lawsuit against E-trade for their Milkaholic Lindsay ad. We know how this ends. She’s got a year to elbow out Kate Middleton and marry Prince William, on the premise that men marry their mothers.
Bill Clinton warned Democrats to take Sarah Palin seriously as a presidential threat Tuesday, saying that she’s just like him. She has a huge advantage over Bill Clinton. She can grope her own breast whenever she wants and it won’t ruin her political career.
GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell admitted on Fox News Tuesday that she practiced witchcraft in high school. She also thanked her parents for all the sacrifices they made for her. Every night they knelt in front of her picture and cut off the head of a chicken.
Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad arrived at the United Nations in New York Tuesday to address the U.N. General Assembly. He began his speech by declaring that Iran is a free nation and a peaceful nation. It’s always best to open with a joke.
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ripped U.S. sanctions against Iran which resulted in the seizure of Iranian-owned property in New York. Last fall the FBI seized four mosques and a skyscraper. The smart play would be to throw away the skyscraper and go for the flush.
White House chief economic adviser Larry Summers announced he’s quitting Tuesday. He will return to Harvard to teach. The Cambridge police have been notified that another Harvard professor is coming home and not to bother him at the door if his key sticks.
President Obama attended St. John’s Episcopal Church in Washington Sunday. A brass plate marks the president’s pew on the ninth row. Workers were up all night putting the Apostle’s Creed, three hymns and the confession on the Teleprompter and mounting it on the back of the eighth row.
President Obama was chastised by a black woman at a town hall meeting Monday in Washington D.C. in a show of low support. It was ever thus. The same day a poll said 35 percent of Americans said they missed George W. Bush, and those were just the ones who were shooting at him.
The U.S. Senate blocked a defense bill Tuesday which had amendments allowing gays in the military. Another amendment granted U.S. citizenship to illegal aliens in the armed forces. It was a bad day for gay illegal aliens trying to get into the Afghan Theater.
Don Rumsfeld announced Monday his memoirs will be published in January. He favored fighting on in Vietnam, invading Iraq and Afghanistan, and pressing on into Syria and Iran. If this book isn’t being published by Viking Press it’s a missed opportunity for synergy.
The Food and Drug Administration considered approval of genetically-engineered salmon Tuesday. The fish has the ability to swim upstream against strong currents. If the Obama administration can’t find Democrats who can win in November, they will create them.
Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was outed in court testimony Tuesday for pressuring a Chicago lobbyist to buy him a U.S. Senate seat and pay his mistress’s airfare to Washington. His excuse is rock-solid. He was just trying to earn his Congressional Black Caucus merit badge.
House Democrats announced plans Monday to hold hearings on gold brokerage firms in the wake of this week’s record-high gold prices. However, cocaine is worth three times the price of gold by weight. It’s got G. Gordon Liddy scratching his nose and rethinking his investment strategy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.23.10