Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Las Vegas launched a new advertising campaign Tuesday to lure Americans to Sin City and party down. At least someplace is jumping. Los Angeles is so quiet since the recession began that if someone is yelling at night it just means that El Salvador scored a goal.
The NBA uniforms for the fall were unveiled by Adidas Wednesday and the players should really like them. The synthetic fabric is 30 percent lighter and dries moisture in three seconds. If the players spill tattoo ink on them they don’t have to stop the game.
Michael Vick was named starting quarterback by the Philadelphia Eagles Tuesday. He’s a new man. The league is talking to the players’ union about requiring all players to spend their junior and senior year in prison before they go to the NFL.
House Republicans gathered at a Virginia hardware store Thursday to introduce the GOP’s Pledge to America campaign platform. The country may be ready for it. The day laborers hanging out in front of the hardware store had graduate degrees from Harvard.
The American Medical Association rolled out a website Tuesday for people who are suffering mental stress from the recession. Psychiatrists are listed who are willing to help you. If they determine you are suicidal, they make you pay in advance.
The National Economic Records Bureau announced Monday the recession ended a year ago in June. What a relief. They checked factory orders, they checked unemployment, they checked retail sales, and the checks aren’t bouncing nearly as high as they were two years ago.
President Obama told the Hispanic Caucus Thursday America was a multi-cultural paradise before the Europeans arrived. What about scientific advances? Columbus landed in the New World 500 years ago, leading indirectly to the discovery of penicillin.
President Obama’s aunt Zeituni Onyango demanded asylum in Boston Tuesday after living in the U.S. illegally for 18 years. Asylum seekers say they are determined to stay in America and live free. Now all they have to do is qualify for disability.
Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was outed in Chicago newspapers Tuesday for having an adulterous affair with a blonde restaurant hostess in Washington. It’s just awful. He may have violated House Ethics rules by accepting something of value from a restaurant owner.
Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the U.N. Tuesday and vowed to wage a war without boundaries against the U.S. if he’s attacked. What a miscalculation. He forgets that Air Force nearly beat Oklahoma last weekend and they were fighting bare-handed.
President Obama was quoted in Bob Woodward’s new book saying the U.S. can absorb another terrorist attack and come out stronger. A lot of people feel that way. Al-Qaeda was last seen shopping for a landmark with a good place for a mosque two blocks away.
Bob Woodward’s book Obama’s Wars is out Monday which covers the White House debate over an Afghan policy. It says the generals don’t want to lose the war and the president doesn’t want to lose the Democrats. It’s so much like Vietnam that President Obama just dedicated his new children’s book to his daughters Sasha Bird and Malia Bird.
The Tea Party got an unexpected boost Tuesday when they received a million-dollar gift from an anonymous donor. It came out of nowhere. There were times in our colonial history that Christine O’Donnell would have been burned at the stake just for the coincidence.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.24.10

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