Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michael Vick was named the starting quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles for Sunday’s game. His skills are unique. Two years ago Michael Vick was the only American who lost his job, his house, his car and a hundred million dollars without the aid of an investment advisor.
President George H.W. Bush was elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame Thursday. How he loves the game. As president he was informed that Iraq had invaded Kuwait while he was on the fifteenth hole at Kennebunkport, and he’s being honored for finishing the round.
Tennessee Vols coach Derek Dooley reportedly gave his football team a lecture on how to shower properly Thursday. He’s just trying to keep them out of trouble. Today’s players can’t be warned often enough not to point at the beautiful Mexican sportscaster.
President Obama signaled a change in U.S. policy toward the Third World Thursday in a U.N. speech. He said he intends to promote commerce and free trade with poor nations rather than just give them money. If it works there, he’s going to try it here.
White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel began planning to run for Chicago mayor Friday. He was recently roasted at a dinner in Washington. He opened the evening by requesting that none of the speakers bring up his volcanic temper or his profanity, and the meeting adjourned.
House Republicans gathered outside a Virginia hardware store Thursday and read out their Pledge to America legislative platform. Colin Powell was there. They bumped into him while he was picking up day laborers in the hardware store parking lot.
Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu held up the nomination of the new White House Budget Director until the president lifts his ban on offshore drilling. The connection is obvious. The budget is so far underwater that only BP’s cameras can get a look at it.
Bill Clinton urged Democrats to post their own Pledge to America to answer the GOP’s Pledge to America, published Thursday. He said he knows what it’s like to lose the masses. It happened to him a few times, but not nearly as often as he lost the missus.
President Obama addressed the U.N. Thursday, where he shocked the world by reaching out to Iran for support for his Middle East peace initiative. The Israeli delegation was not seated during his speech. They were observing the Jewish holiday of Duck and Cover.
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmad-inejad rejected Obama’s olive branch Thursday and accused the U.S. of plotting the World Trade Center attack. He’s like a scary-looking lobster snapping his claws inside a water tank in a seafood restaurant lobby. He has no idea what’s coming.
Paris Hilton was denied entry to Japan when she landed in Tokyo Thursday. Many blondes traveling alone in Japan have been kidnapped and drugged by pimps and used as hookers. Japan wouldn’t let her in the country because they’re afraid she’d corrupt the pimps.
The Emergency Bra was patented by a Chicago doctor Thursday and put on sale for thirty dollars. In an emergency, women can flip it up over their faces and breathe through air pockets in the cups. From now on, terrorist attacks are going to be a good-news, bad-news joke.
President Obama was heckled repeatedly in New York Wednesday by protesters who demanded more AIDS research money and an end to the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. It was near chaos. At one point his Teleprompter stopped working and demanded gay partner benefits.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.27.10

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