Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dined with Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakhan and the Black Panthers Monday at the Manhattan Hilton. Paris Hilton was photographed in the lobby the same day. Once a year the hotel hosts a conference of people who are immune to U.S. law.
The FDA will decide Friday whether to approve genetically-engineered salmon to try to help save the salmon from extinction. It’s a hot topic. The California Fish and Game Commission just named Lindsay Lohan its poster child for the state’s new catch and release program.     Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin was a huge hit with the audience on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars last week and she made the cut. The girl may have too much rhythm for a Republican. She danced the samba so beautifully they may not let her into Arizona.
The U.S. was rated the fattest country in the world Monday in a new world health survey of rich nations. Reaction split along party lines. Democrats threatened junk food makers with federal regulations and Republicans warned Iran that if they don’t behave we’ll sit on them.
The Arkansas Razorbacks lost to Alabama at home in Fayetteville Saturday in a battle of top teams. They brought in Bill Clinton, Jerry Jones and John Daly to fire up the home crowd. Arkansas didn’t care that it was national Character Counts week, they’ve seceded from the Union before.
The Tea Party held a public rally at a park in Beverly Hills Sunday hosted by Pat Boone. The rally attracted a surprisingly large crowd. Democrats complain that the Tea Party is overwhelmingly old and white but those shoes are Pat Boone’s trademark.
London businessman James Heselden was killed Monday when he accidentally drove off a cliff on a Segway and died from the impact. He owned the company that manufactures Segways. That settles it, the first people hired back after the economy recovers are the stunt drivers.
The Emergency Bra hit the stores Monday, which allows women to flip the bra up over their faces during an emergency and breathe through air pockets in the cups. It’s amazing. They finally figured out a way to get airline passengers to pay attention to the safety lecture.
Virgin Airways announced Monday it will offer orbital space travel in six spaceships beginning next year. Each ticket costs two hundred thousand dollars. Don’t ask how much they charge you to change your ticket if you decide to fly counter-clockwise at the last minute.
Congress heard complaints from Louisiana’s Plaquemines Parish residents Monday about all the money they lost due to the oil spill. The marshy coastline has always been a magnet for smugglers. When they tried to wash the oil off the cocaine they lost the whole crop to evaporation.
The White House announced plans Monday to seek congressional approval to wiretap direct Internet communications. Skype has made it much harder to catch terrorists. They never go out to strip bars anymore now that they can have video phone sex inside their apartments.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il named his youngest son Kim Jong Un a military general Monday in a first step toward dynastic succession. That’s how they do it in other countries. They don’t put anybody in charge unless they have some experience and a notarized birth certificate.
Israeli bulldozers mobilized in the West Bank Monday and resumed construction on housing units for Israeli settlers despite Arab opposition. Thousands of construction workers got busy. Palestinian protests now have a better record of creating jobs than the U.S. Congress.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.29.10

Print