Stop mowing

Dear reader, I love you enough to tell you the truth. Stop mowing. Stop it. It hasn’t rained in ... well, the last time it rained I didn’t have crow’s feet and could run faster than a sixth grader. Our yard is currently a large dusty brown mass that resembles Tucson in a drought. Our beautiful green West Tennessee has recently turned an unusual shade of tan. So the last thing you need to be doing is riding around on your mower stirring up dust. For some of you, excessive mowing is a strange compulsion and you need to seek professional help. Oh, I see you. I see you every time I drive through town or out in the country. It’s early Saturday morning and you’re creating the next big dust bowl on that massive riding lawn mower. The grass is so crispy that I see sparks flying out from the underbelly of your meticulously-cared-for machine. Yet you persevere as though you’re on a life-or-death mission to acquire penicillin for a remote orphanage. The massive dust tornado that follows you through the yard doesn’t even phase you anymore. I know. I know. It’s painful to hear the truth. That’s why I’m here. Help is on the way.
The first step is to try to take your mind off the mowing, friend. Here are a few suggestions for Saturday morning activities. Make blueberry muffins. Sing “You Can Take a Ride on my Big Green Tractor” at the top of your lungs. Wash the bathroom rugs. Write a story about your favorite dog. Strip the ugly wallpaper off the bathroom wall. Scrub the baseboards. Paint the porch. OK. I agree.This is starting to sound too much like work. I need to take this in a completely different direction.
I didn’t want to do it but I’m desperate. I’ll now share our routine personal Saturday morning activities, hoping it will motivate you to stay off that mower. I get up early and make a full pot of coffee. Phil and I get in our comfy chairs and drink the first cup. We watch the news. Drink another cup. We talk about the things we disagreed with on the news. Drink another cup. I talk about the fact that we really should strip the wallpaper off the bathroom wall and paint. We both have a good laugh and decide that the children can strip the ugly wallpaper off the wall when we’re dead and gone. And just as a side note, ugly wallpaper has never kept anyone from using the bathroom. And isn’t USING the bathroom the purpose of a bathroom? Yeah. That’s the kind of deep philosophical conversation we have from our comfy chairs on Saturday mornings. Be inspired.
OK. Let’s go over this one more time. You must stop mowing before you clog your lungs with dust and unknowingly cause your early death. You should also stop mowing because during a drought the grass doesn’t grow. I know. That’s hard to hear. But think of it this way. You’re now free to invest your Saturday mornings in excessive coffee drinking and deep conversation about all the things you think you should do that you’re not really going to do. And take it from someone who knows. It’s a lot more fun than it sounds.
For more information about Lisa Smartt, visit her website lisasmartt.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.06.10

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