Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Ryder Cup in Wales was delayed by rainstorms all weekend before the Euros finally outlasted the U.S. team. We don’t fight wars on rainy days. We should schedule all wars in Wales where it rains every day and you will eliminate war and have universal peace.
Pakistani immigrant Faisal Shahzad was sentenced to life in prison Tuesday for trying to blow up Times Square. Last year he was sworn in as a U.S. citizen in a beautiful ceremony, then he flew off to terrorist training camp. The FBI just wants to know who caught the bouquet.
President Obama congratulated Germany on the 20th anniversary of German re-unification Sunday. The president also praised German-Americans, saying they make this a better country every day. People always make the mistake of thinking Rush Limbaugh is Irish.
The Supreme Court refused to rule Monday if the SC logo belongs to the University of South Carolina or to Southern Cal. It figures. Now that there are no Protestants on the Supreme Court no one understands that college football is a Freedom of Religion issue.
Mack Brown’s Texas Longhorns were knocked out of the top 25 Monday after they lost to Bob Stoops’ Oklahoma Sooners last Saturday in Dallas. Both coaches have contracts for life. That means the alumni can’t fire you, they have to kill you.
Ben Roethlisberger returned to the Pittsburgh Steelers after getting suspended four games for having sex with a girl in a college bar bathroom. He’s been demoted as team captain. Everybody agrees he’s a stand-up guy, it’s obvious from the security video.
Bob Woodward told CNN Tuesday that Hillary Clinton may be Barack Obama’s running mate in the next presidential election. He said that Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden may switch jobs. She will be the vice president and he’ll be forgiving Bill every Sunday morning.
Donald Trump admitted Tuesday he’s weighing a presidential run in two years. He was encouraged by this week’s poll in New Hampshire. Four out of five state residents said they would recommend Donald Trump’s seminar on how to get rich by buying foreclosures.
The White House had solar panels installed on the roof over the living quarters Tuesday. Democrats are infatuated with green jobs. California’s unemployment would be even worse if not for all the people employed converting vitamin stores into marijuana dispensaries.
President Obama made plans Tuesday to address young voters in an MTV broadcast. He wants to increase the Democratic turnout. If Democrats can generate a high enough voter turnout, they have a chance of turning a deadly avalanche into a killer tidal wave.
Swiss bankers said in Geneva Tuesday that wealthy investors are buying up gold worldwide, which is driving gold prices to an all-time high. Guys in L.A. have begun flashing their wedding rings in nightclubs. That’s because women flock to a man worth six figures in this economy.
New York’s disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer’s CNN show debuted Monday and he didn’t once mention his hooker scandal. Prostitutes get more respect than politicians. No one ever walked up four flights of stairs at three in the morning to see a politician.
Tony Curtis was honored at a jam-packed funeral in Las Vegas Monday, headlined by his pal Arnold Schwarzenegger. They honored Tony’s last request and buried him with his Armani scarf, his driving gloves, and his iPhone. An actor never wants to miss a call.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.07.10

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