Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Minnesota Vikings got Randy Moss in a trade from the New England Patriots on Tuesday. It’s a three-way trade. Randy goes to Minnesota to save Brett, Hillary goes to the West Wing to save Barack, and Biden goes to the State Department to save Israel.
Hillary Clinton denied Wednesday that she wants to be vice president. She loathes the post. She started out in Washington by inspiring so many jokes that people forgot Dan Quayle, she’s not about to end her career by inspiring enough jokes to make people forget Joe Biden.
Tropicana Field hosted the first game of the American league playoffs on Wednesday. The indoor stadium’s domed roof is painted to look like an orange for the citrus juice maker that sponsors the team. Thank goodness they aren’t sponsored by Hooters.
The Weather Channel aired footage of two tornadoes that touched down Wednesday in Arizona. What a clever way for smugglers to transport their cargo over the Mexican border. The people were a little dizzy but the drugs were wrapped in plastic, so they’re fine.
Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell told the voters in a new TV ad she’s not a witch. One-fourth of Americans think the president’s a Muslim and a Senate candidate says she’s no longer a witch. In just two years Mitt Romney’s gone from being an exotic religious outsider to Pilgrim stock.
Mexico was joined by 10 Latin American countries Wednesday in a lawsuit against Arizona’s immigration law. It’s exasperating. Illegal aliens refuse to take the rightful path to Arizona, which is to fly to Vancouver, buy golf clothes at the airport and change into them, then fly down to Phoenix and act wistful about hockey until you get your bearings.
The Emergency Bra went on sale last week to help women survive a terror attack. The bra flips over a woman’s face and allows her to breathe through air pockets inside the cups. Rudy Giuliani holding a surgical mask over his mouth just didn’t make for compelling television.
China’s chief astronomer Wang Sichao reversed his previous disbelief in UFOs Tuesday after UFO sightings in China recently shut down airports. What’s next won’t be pretty. No one knows how many millions of Chinese workers will die building the Great Ceiling.
John Lennon’s application form for U.S. residency was seized from an auction house Monday by the FBI, which said it’s government property. It’s the kind of thing that happens when government bureaucrats with access to records try to make a little extra money. The only reason the Obama birth certificate hasn’t been sold is because nobody can find it.
The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will fly to New Delhi the night after the mid-term elections in November. The reason is obvious. President Obama thinks if he’s not at the scene of the crime that the detectives will never finger him for it.
President Obama’s flight to India in November is timed so that he’ll land on Diwali Night, a climactic night of fireworks during the Hindu Festival of Lights. It’s a big mistake. Being greeted as a god in India is no way to convince anybody that he’s an Episcopalian.
White House staffers complained Tuesday about the noise from a new construction project on the North Lawn. They said all they could hear was clanging, banging and drilling. They wondered why Eliot Spitzer’s old law firm was opening an office on the White House lawn.
The Wall Street Journal reports the income of New Yorkers fell for the first time in 70 years this past year. The rich are leaving the state over high taxes. They’d have been blown away by the last hurricane in the Caymans if not for all the gold bars in their suitcases.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.08.10

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