Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Chileans partied Wed-nesday over the rescue of 33 miners who had been trapped one-half mile underground for over two months. Let’s hope we’re next. Americans are so deep in the hole that it’s starting to look like a secret plan to invade China.
Santiago broke out in street songs Wednesday after all 33 men were pulled out of the Chilean mine. Wives, girlfriends and mistresses were most relieved. They were terrified that if the men didn’t get out of that catacomb soon, it would become a gay nightclub.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the NFL will investigate whether it’s true that Brett Favre sex-texted lewd photos to a Jets cheerleader. It’s not likely. No one seriously believes that Brett Favre is young enough to know how to use a camera phone.
Ohio police mobilized this week after a night club shootout in Cleveland where five men entered and shot up the bar but inflicted no wounds. The five shooters fired away for a minute but hit nothing. The police issued an all-points bulletin for the New York Knicks.
Miami Heat players held a fundraiser with President Obama at Alonzo Mourning’s home in Miami Tuesday. A half-million was raised. That’s how much the NBA players made when Barack Obama bet the royalties on his next book he could beat them in a game of Horse.
The New York Daily News cited a geneaologist Wednesday who found that President Obama is a 10th cousin of Rush Limbaugh. He’s also a ninth cousin of Dick Cheney. The president hired the geneaologist himself in a last-minute attempt to get the crowds on his side.
MTV gave President Obama free airtime for his town hall meeting Thursday but MTV offered no free airtime to the GOP in response. Republicans prefer half-hour music videos. It never takes Pat Boone more than 10 minutes to get them to buy the entire collection.
China conducted naval war games in the Pacific Wednesday where the ships fired long-range missiles at remote islands. Conservatives are worried. A missile test in the South Pacific could threaten Bikini Island, where Fox News raises TV reporters.
Fox News launched Fox News Latino Wednesday which will target Hispanic viewers and will focus on Latin culture and interests. The conservative network is hugely ambitious. Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding at Cana after he couldn’t turn Latinos into Republicans.
Hillary Clinton was in Bosnia Wednesday to help settle simmering conflicts in the Balkans. She stood in the town square waving to cameras while standing in front of a statue of her husband waving. It’s the first time in ten years she’s turned her back on him.
Hillary Clinton announ-ced Wednesday she will travel to Australia, New Zealand, Vietnam and New Guinea in late October. She won’t be in America on Election Day. She’ll be holed up 10,000 miles away in New Guinea’s capital city of Itole Jouso.
Jimmy Carter resumed his book tour Monday where he’s blaming Teddy Kennedy for ruining his presidency. He’s understandably bitter. Jimmy Carter was once the most powerful man in the world and last night he couldn’t get into Applebee’s because his name wasn’t on the list.
Oklahoma was hit by a five-point earthquake centered in Norman Wednesday which shook the campus buildings at OU. No one even blinked. An earthquake is nothing compared to a tornado and besides, nothing under six points interests anybody in Norman.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.15.10

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