Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America,and how’s everybody?
GOP Senate candidate Rand Paul was cited by Democrats for a college prank in which he tied up a girl and told her to worship an icon he named Aqua Buddha. Reaction was furious. President Obama just issued a death sentence for anyone who draws a cartoon of Aqua Buddha.
NFL star Junior Seau drove his Escalade over a cliff in San Diego Monday. He’s unhurt. After being tested by the steepest cliffs in California and the angriest wife in golf, the Escalade is poised to replace the Volvo as the safest car in the world.
Brett Favre was grilled by NFL investigators Tuesday over those lewd photos of himself sent to a N.Y. Jets cheerleader. It’s all innocent. The photos that Brett sent to the cheerleader were intended for his wife but, Brett being Brett, they were intercepted.
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards wrote an autobiography called Stone Me which details the group’s crazy lifestyle in the Sixties and Seventies. He makes no apologies but we all mean well. Keith Richards said no to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen.
Cal Tech astronomers warned Friday that millions of small-sized asteroids are hurtling through outer space in the direction of Earth. It makes sense. Ten years ago Fannie Mae loaned money to the entire universe and now it’s coming back to kill us all.
The Vatican ripped the Nobel Prize Committee Saturday for honoring the creator of in-vitro fertilization with the Nobel Prize for medicine. The logic is tricky. The pope forbids the use of surrogate mothers but it would be too much paperwork to ex-communicate Mary.
Senator Harry Reid compared President Obama to the rescued Chilean miners Monday. Picture the president a thousand feet underground. Democrats would be moving up in the polls and Republicans would be designing a capsule to send the rest of the cabinet down into the mine.
Chile’s president Sebastian Pinera declared a national holiday Monday honoring the miners who were trapped for sixty-nine days. The moment they surfaced each man had just two questions: How are the kids and who do I talk to about overtime?
Women’s Wear Daily reported Monday that President Obama has stopped mingling at White House receptions. He stands alone behind a red velvet rope. Ever since the government hired Andy Griffith to push health care reform they’ve got no money left for flu vaccine.
President Obama will drop into Los Angeles to campaign for Democrats Friday. It will shut down traffic between the airport and downtown all day. He doesn’t realize that O.J. Simpson had the independents on his side in L.A. until his police motorcade tied up traffic.
NATO reported Monday that Osama bin Laden is not living in caves but in a house in a town in the protected tribal area of Pakistan. He’s protected by the locals for the same reason Frank Sinatra was protected in Palm Springs. He’s a great tipper.
Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck said Saturday that homosexuality may be a choice like alcoholism. That’s an odd theory. If drinking every night makes men want to live their lives together then you don’t want to see what they edited out of Animal House.
The Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley will host a book signing for George W. Bush when his memoirs are released in two weeks. The Gipper’s presidential portrait is next to Christopher Columbus’ statue in the Capitol Rotunda. The difference between Ronald Reagan and Columbus is that Columbus had to kill his Indians on the first take.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.20.10

Print