Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Yankees battle the Texas Rangers for the American League pennant tonight. The Yankees are listed by Forbes magazine as the best-paid team in sports. They’re followed closely by the Lakers, the Mavericks, and the women the NFL pays to stay quiet.
The NFL threatened Tuesday to suspend players for hard hits, drawing howls from the players’ union. It’s safer to keep these guys on the field. The NFL suspended Ben Roethlisberger for the first four games of the fall, just in time for sorority rush.
Brett Favre was grilled by the NFL Tuesday about texting a lewd photo of himself to a New York Jets cheerleader back when he was on the team. She wasn’t impressed by the photograph. Sending a picture is nice but it’s no substitute for getting tested.
Dallas Cowboys were ripped in the media Tuesday after only one win in their first five games. The season isn’t over. Reports indicate that the rescued Chilean miners will be flown to Dallas to discuss possible ways to get the Dallas Cowboys out of their hole by Christmas.
Chile’s delegation to the United Nations sent a message thanking the world for its support rescuing the miners last week. It provoked some. Chile’s president specifically thanked Jesus Christ, Great Britain and U.S. private enterprise — the entire anti-Obama coalition.
Oklahoma floated a state constitutional ban on any use of Islamic law in Oklahoma courts this week. Islamic law cuts off your hand for stealing. That means a lot of football recruits would still be in Texas, or a lot of coaches would be holding the clipboard with their teeth.
Russia gave its top medals to 10 spies for spying on America Monday. They were arrested in the U.S. last year, then the U.S. traded the 10 Russian spies for four U.S. spies held in Russia. So you see, we can’t even execute a spy swap without running up a 60 percent deficit.
Homeland Security sought authority last week to monitor all wireless communications in the U.S. The agency wants to read every e-mail, BlackBerry message and Facebook posting. Homeland Security is asking every guy’s girlfriend to train them how to do it.
The Crystal Cathedral filed for bankruptcy in Orange County Tuesday, 60 years after Robert Schuller founded it. He always said that God can change hearts and God can change minds. It never occurred to anybody that Bank of America could change the locks.
President Obama went on a four-day campaign tour of Oregon, Washington State and California Wednesday. He’s without the Democratic Party’s biggest star up there. Al Gore can no longer campaign in the Pacific Northwest because the restraining order says three states.
Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle told a fifth-grade class of Hispanic children Monday that they looked Asian to her. She knew better. She’d arrived before school started and when the children pulled up in their parents’ car, she marveled at how well they parallel-parked.
The U.S. military followed federal court orders Wednesday and began allowing the enlistment of openly gay recruits in the Army. This could help us finally win the war in Afghanistan. If there’s one thing Muslim terrorists can’t withstand, it’s musical comedy.
Justice Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni left a message on Anita Hill’s phone seeking an apology over her 20-year-old charge of sexual harassment against her husband. Her Senate testimony introduced graphic sexual detail to live network television. It would pave the way for Bill Clinton eight years later to tell the country that he’s not crooked.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.22.10

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