Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Brett Favre’s streak of consecutive starts may be broken Sunday after he fractured his ankle in Monday’s loss. It’s difficult to imagine just how long he’s been playing pro football. The first lewd photo he ever sent to a woman was taken by Civil War photographer Matthew Brady.
Charlie Sheen was hospitalized in New York Monday when cops found him drunk and naked in a Plaza Hotel room. That’s his job. CBS pays Charlie $2 million an episode, and by episode the network means anything requiring handcuffs or sedation.
Mercedes Benz reported a huge spike in auto sales in New York City this fall. Dealers are offering big discounts for any trade-ins. Customers are bringing their girlfriends, boyfriends and spouses and children into the showroom, but the dealer will only take cars.
Michael Jackson’s estate made $275 million last year in licensing fees while Elvis Presley’s estate made $60 million. College students used to major in business and finance. Today, students who want to get ahead major in hit records and early death.
NPR head Vivian Schiller apologized Monday for the way she fired NPR’s longtime news analyst Juan Williams. He’s been an avowed Progressive until now. Fox News just gave him a $2 million contract and suddenly he sees the wisdom of Republican tax policy.
President Obama said Monday the U.S. was born when 13 colonies threw off the yoke of an empire. It turned out so well that Obama has a 37 percent approval rating in the U.S. while Queen Elizabeth is at 80 percent. The Iraq War turned out better.
The Vatican urged Iraq Monday not to carry out the execution of Saddam Hussein’s English-speaking spokesman, Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz, who’s Catholic. You can’t make it up. We not only invaded the wrong Muslim country, we’re hanging its Christian spokesman.
Bill Clinton shook hands with voters at a Minnesota Vikings tailgate party Monday. He addressed the hottest issue of the day up in Viking country. He said Brett Favre would make a fine governor of Arkansas if his wife ends up with the farm in Mississippi.
Tom Delay stands trial in Texas this week for violating state campaign finance laws. The federal charges were dropped months ago, leaving his status in limbo. For two years Tom DeLay has sort of been like medical marijuana, nobody’s really sure if he’s legal or not.
Chicago was rocked by hurricane-force winds Tuesday which meteorologists called a freak monsoon. Ballots flew through the air in downtown Chicago. No one’s sure how far the wind carried the ballots but half of them were pre-checked for Harry Reid.
Comedy Central ordered 500 porta-potties for Jon Stewart’s political rally in Washington D.C. Saturday. It didn’t escape Hollywood’s notice. It’s considered a bad sign for Comedy Central’s demographics if its audience is developing bladder control problems.
Florida Democratic Senate candidate Alex Sink was caught cheating during her debate Monday by receiving a debate tip via text message. It happened too late to affect the race. If John Edwards had been caught cheating a year earlier he’d be president today.
Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell publicly admitted Friday that she made a mistake by going on TV and denying she’s a witch in her first TV ad. How true. Hillary Clinton proved with two Senate victories that the mystery of whether or not you’re a witch gets you a lot more votes than if you address the issue head-on.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.28.10

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