Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Election Day is expected to draw a hundred million viewers to watch the broadcasts of today’s Congressional elections. It’s exactly like the World Ping Pong Championships. They happen every two years and you are pretty sure that in the end, China is going to win.
Staples Center revealed plans for an NFL stadium in Los Angeles Friday. It will take NFL players no time to adopt the city’s speech patterns and attitude. After about six helmet-to-helmet hits the players will sound like they’ve lived in Los Angeles all their lives.
Paul the Octopus died in Berlin Thursday after he correctly predicted all the World Cup matches. The octopus made gamblers a lot of money but he died under suspicious circumstances. When the cops arrived they smelled foul play and a delicious tomato sauce.
John Daly said Thursday he will play on the European Tour next year since he’s lost his PGA card. He’s nothing if not resourceful. John Daly only made $56,000 in his last year on the PGA Tour and $50,000 of that was from returning empties.
John Kerry told a crowd Friday that Rush Limbaugh has turned America into Know Nothings. He is one to talk. John Kerry lost the presidential election six years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he’s not just any idiot.
George Bush and George W. Bush threw out the first pitch in the World Series Sunday at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. It wasn’t a good time for them to surface. Republican candidates are leading nationwide by pretending that neither one of them ever existed.
George W. Bush begins doing interviews Monday to promote the sales of his memoir, titled “Decision Points.” Literature was never his long suit. When the publisher first asked Mr. Bush to write an autobiography he said he doesn’t know that much about cars.
Christine O’Donnell was targeted by a man’s claim that he had a one-night stand with her. She has favored abstinence, practiced witchcraft and now she’s a one-nighter. It’s another case of politicians taking the jobs comedians refuse to do.
Al Gore was ticketed in Sweden Friday for leaving his car idling in an auditorium parking lot for one hour. He was inside delivering a speech about global warming. The steady hour-long drone really interfered with the event, but that’s the way Al Gore talks.
The White House released logistical details Friday of President Obama’s trip to India next week. He’s taking 40 planes full of people plus two Air Force Ones and both his Marine One helicopters. World oil prices jumped $5 a barrel on supply concerns.
Sen. Tom Coburn reported Friday the U.S. government sent $1 billion to dead people in the last 10 years for Social Security payments, medical expenses, rent, wheelchairs and farm subsidies. It includes $100 million on medicine prescribed by dead doctors for dead patients. It’s a disgrace the way Congress panders to Chicago voters.
London’s Scotland Yard alerted President Obama about a suspicious package which British intelligence detected on a plane from Yemen to New York Friday. The timing was hilarious. Britain protected the United States five days before Barack Obama flies to India and Indonesia to help them celebrate their independence from being British protectorates.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.2.10

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