Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Brett Favre was carried off the field after his jaw was lacerated Sunday. Last week he fractured his ankle and the week before that he was hit by a sex scandal. He never should have posed for a photograph with President Obama before the season started.
Election Day arrived Tuesday with the U.S. economy the number-one issue among U.S. voters. Only a last-minute turnout could have saved the Democrats. President Obama spent all weekend on the campaign trail offering hope and change and zero-percent financing.
President Obama scheduled no public appearances Monday as he braced for Election Day. Yesterday’s catastrophic losses were caused by opposition to his health care plan. He’s not worried, however, because his health care plan covers catastrophic losses.
The Republican Party was projected to make huge gains in Congress as Tuesday’s vote came in. It was a conservative rout by the end of the day. Sarah Palin is said to be so excited she can’t even make up the words to express how thrilled she is.
Sarah Palin stepped up Tuesday as the leading Republican presidential candidate. She knows the drill. For the next two years, if Sarah Palin is unable to perform her duties then Miss Congeniality will step up and become the leading Republican presidential candidate.
The New York Times ran an article about President Obama last Sunday which took note of how much grayer his hair has gotten during his two years in office. This amounts to piling on. You know he’s in trouble when liberals complain that even his hair isn’t black enough.
GOP House leader John Boehner slammed President Obama Monday for referring to Republicans as enemies of Hispanics. He was furious. John Boehner loves Hispanics so much that he has an open account at three tanning salons so he can look more like one.
President Obama ripped Arizona’s immigration law Friday and painted Democrats as the natural ally of Hispanics. He sincerely believes that Hispanics and black people get along out West. It proves once and for all that he’s never been in federal prison or to a public high school.
George W. Bush got a thunderous ovation from Texas Rangers fans Sunday when he threw out the World Series first pitch. The love for him was real. He may have invaded the wrong country from time to time and he can’t speak English, but he’s been soaring in the polls ever since the Democrats named a tax cut after him.
Homeland Security noted Monday that al-Qaeda is mailing powdered explosives to terrorize Western countries. It doesn’t scare everybody. Whenever people in Los Angeles discover suspicious powder inside a letter we inject it into a wrinkle immediately to see if it works.
UPS dropped off pick-up slips rather than packages in New York Monday to avoid a terror attack. Al-Qaeda was mailing out powder four times more explosive than TNT and more poisonous than ricin. However, it was no match for America’s political atmosphere and it petered out harmlessly.
TSA screeners began more aggressive airport security pat-downs Monday. They employ palm-forward pat-downs of women’s breasts and men’s groin areas. The only difference between airport security and speed-dating is the five seconds it takes to give your name.
Al-Qaeda of Yemen took credit for Friday’s thwarted terror attack via UPS package to Chicago. It’s difficult to try these terrorists in U.S. courts. Last year a terrorist took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage and threatened to release one an hour until all of their demands were met.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.3.10

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