Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Marathon welcomed the entry of rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena Tuesday. He trained by running six miles a day in the mine tunnels while he was trapped underground for two months. The only guy who ran harder for survival was Barney Frank.
Election Day saw a record turnout Tuesday thanks to beautiful weather and a massive GOP turnout. The shoe was clearly on the other foot. After the congressional election result was posted, Indonesia offered the Democrats millions in tsunami relief.
President Obama admitted Monday he shouldn’t have described the Republicans as enemies. So we know what cable news he watches. All day long CNN calls Republicans the enemy, MSNBC calls them the Nazis and Fox News calls them the Army of the Lord.
The Federal Election Commission had its hands full of voter fraud complaints in Nevada Tuesday. Voters in Las Vegas and Reno claimed that the voting machines were crooked. People shoved quarters into them all day long without one of them paying off.
New England had phone outages Tuesday night when phone lines couldn’t handle all the political robo-calls. Families got two hours of uninterrupted time at the dinner table. No one knew until now just how many knife fights are prevented by the telephone ringing.
President Obama called and saluted the San Francisco Giants Tuesday for winning the World Series the night before. It’s usually done right after the game. Well, if he can’t carry the white male vote at least he can show women he’s the kind of guy who calls the next day.
Jeb Bush gave election day interviews Tuesday, prompting rumors that he’ll run for president in two years. There was great joy on the right. Conservatives think just like alcoholics the way they cling to the delusion that the next Bush will turn out differently.
George W. Bush got a huge ovation as he threw out the first pitch in the World Series for the Texas Rangers Sunday. It was a high-water mark for the franchise. If hosting the World Series doesn’t make Dallas a baseball town, the Dallas Cowboys just might.
Sarah Palin called the mainstream media a bunch of corrupt bastards Monday for mauling Tea Partier Joe Miller. One of Alaska’s favorite pastimes is attacking the mainstream media. Last night Sarah Palin was up in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer.
Democrat Joe Manchin won West Virginia’s U.S. Senate race Tuesday by distancing himself from Obama. In one TV ad he raised a rifle and shot a hole through the president’s Cap and Trade bill. While nominally a Democrat, he plans to caucus with the Sons of Anarchy.
Charlie Sheen filed for divorce from his third wife just a week after his spectacular relapse in New York. He’s reportedly holed up in his Bel Air mansion with champagne and cigars and cocaine and call girls. If James Fenimore Cooper could have written the biography of Charlie Sheen, it would have been called The Last of the Southern Democrats.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.4.10

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