Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen drew huge ratings for “Two and a Half Men” after New York cops found him coked-up and naked with a porn actress. Bully for him. People have been waiting years for a celebrity who’s got the courage to live the way celebrities are expected to live.
The Minnesota Vikings waived Randy Moss Tuesday for flipping out and reverting to his old prima donna personality following Sunday’s loss. The gifted star wide receiver had been much calmer since he got the marijuana patch. It’s in his back yard.
Jerry Brown beat Meg Whitman for California governor on Tuesday. The exit poll shows why. The thought of Jerry Brown made Baby Boomers think we’re still 25 and the thought of Meg Whitman reminded us of the fake Rolex we bought on eBay.
President Obama took 40 airliners full of supporters to India Thursday. His trip is costing U.S. taxpayers $200 million per day. You can always tell when a marriage is breaking up because somebody starts spending money like water.
President Obama rented out the entire Taj Mahal Palace in Bombay where he will arrive during a Hindu holiday. The timing is perfect for him. Everyone in India wants to know if it’s true that Aqua Buddha was just elected U.S. senator from Kentucky.
President Obama forgot to call the San Francisco Giants when they won the World Series on Monday. He ignored the national pastime. You can always tell what the president’s watching by the roar that comes out of the Oval Office whenever Namibia scores a goal.
Republicans swept to their biggest win in the House in 62 years Tuesday and took over the House of Representatives. They’re proud of their core principles, which never change. In their first official act they’re going to impeach Bill Clinton.
House Speaker-to-be John Boehner broke down in tears Tuesday telling the crowd about pursuing the American dream. He’s the classic success story. He started out in life working his way through college and he wound up evicting a woman from a house.
Delaware Tea Party Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell blamed her defeat on Republican cannibalism. It was a close call for all concerned. The Republican Party is on the run from the Tea Party and the Tea Party is on the run from the Donner Party.
California voters rejected a ballot measure Tuesday to legalize marijuana. The measure was defeated by an unlikely coalition between church leaders and drug dealers. At the victory party afterwards they were busted for doing Crystal Cathedral.
Barbara Boxer said she told her grandchildren not to watch TV during the campaign so they wouldn’t see all those terrible pictures of her on TV. It’s partially true. There were terrible pictures of her on TV but she has no idea if she has any grandchildren.
Oklahoma voters elected their first woman governor Tuesday and they banned any use of Islamic law in Oklahoma courts. Local rules apply. No woman in Oklahoma will be stoned for committing adultery unless she gets caught in a hailstorm during Ramadan.
Fox News doubled the ratings of CNN and MSNBC combined on Election Day. It was no contest. How could liberals compete when Kimberly Guilfoyle, Shannon Bream and Megyn Kelly took off one article of clothing every time the GOP won another 10 seats?
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.5.10

Print