Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
U.S. Congressman and former NFL quarterback Heath Shuler is running against Nancy Pelosi for Minority Leader today. This won’t end well. The last thing we need is another woman sitting next to Gloria Allred and sobbing about what the quarterback did to her.
President Obama refused to reduce Health Care Reform benefits Monday. The U.S. government is giving out free mammograms, free testicular and cervical screenings and free prostate exams. All you have to do is walk through the airport like you’re going somewhere.
Sarah Palin’s Alaska debuted Sunday, showing Sarah frolicking in the wilderness in jeans and boots. Casual is her style. Until John McCain put her on the ticket two years ago, Sarah Palin thought that Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines.
Heisman Trophy favorite Cam Newton was accused of seeking two hundred grand to play at Auburn. That’s nothing. If you’re a Heisman winner at USC they give you Hollywood stardom, your choice of Kardashians and a post-verdict Get Out of Marriage Free card.
House Republicans vowed Monday to probe Fannie Mae for the real estate crash two years ago. People owe more on their houses than they’re worth. So many people in Los Angeles are digging themselves into a hole that it’s cut subway construction costs by fifty percent.
NASA reported huge cost overruns Friday building the James Webb Telescope. The heavens entrance us all. The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles just installed a coin-operated telescope on the balcony where for a quarter you can watch the price of gold.
Journal Cosmology pushed NASA Monday for a one-way expedition to colonize Mars. They say they want to duplicate the English settlement of America four hundred years ago. Four hundred years from now the natives will accuse the Americans of bringing sexually transmitted diseases to their planet and swindling the Martians out of their best land.
Michelle Obama promised to re-introduce her Healthy Food Initiative to Congress in January. Does this intrude on a citizen’s right to eat what he wants? The next thing you know she’ll demand that Mississippi lower the McDonald’s flag flying over the state capitol.
President Obama returned from his ten-day trip to Asia on Sunday. It didn’t go so well. Obama traveled to India, Indonesia, North Korea and Japan and he wasn’t able to reach a currency agreement, obtain a free trade deal, or find his birth certificate.
President Obama stood in silence before the great Buddha statue in Tokyo Sunday. He celebrated Hinduism in India, Islam in Indonesia, and Buddhism in Japan. So now Barack Obama is just a high school football game in Texas away from hitting for the cycle.
Lindsay Lohan was escorted by the California Highway patrol from Los Angeles to the Betty Ford Clinic in Palm Springs Sunday to protect her from paparazzi swarming her on Interstate Ten. She had gone home on a one-day pass. The weirdest feeling in early sobriety is the realization that you and the police are on the same side now.
Call to Duty video game came out Monday in which two players try to arrange for the assassination of young Fidel Castro in the Sixties. It’s so realistic. Every time Castro eludes assassination the two players flip a coin to see who sleeps with Marilyn Monroe tonight.
The TSA defended the government’s right to grope women’s breasts if they don’t agree to a nude scan Monday. The TSA cited the Fourth Amendment. It’s a carryover from the King of England’s right of the first night with a bride and so we just have to live with it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.17.10

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