Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince William got engaged to Kate Middleton Tuesday and gave her his mother’s engagement ring. Times have changed since that engagement. Thirty years ago Lady Diana had to pass a virginity test and after that she never went through U.S. airport security again.
Chicago welcomes the Ringling Brothers Circus opening under the big top tonight at the United Center. The entrance procession is completely different than it was last year. This year the elephants are all carrying gavels and promising to repeal health care reform.
Tina Fey was edited by PBS when she cracked three Sarah Palin jokes at the Kennedy Center Sunday. Liberal comics can’t do Palin jokes because that’s sexist and white comics can’t do Obama jokes because that’s racist. If Richard Pryor were alive this would kill him.
Michael Vick got a new contract from the Philadelphia Eagles Tues-day. He’s obeyed his probation and played great. However, he was once spotted at a club drinking a vodka and pineapple drink, for which he was reprimanded by both the NFL and the Man Council.
Charlie Sheen was reported Wednesday preparing to divorce Brooke Mueller. They broke up after last month’s hotel room spree in New York. He woke up in a hospital bed the next morning where nurses say he coughed up $500 for a hooker.
Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen was murdered in her car after a Beverly Hills party Mon-day. It’s an old show business lesson. Never look over your shooter’s shoulder and stop paying attention to him whenever a more important shooter walks into the room.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lobbied senators in Washington D.C. Wednesday to pass a nuclear arms deal with Russia. The U.S. capital has no early warning system that detects nuclear radiation coming. They just check John Boehner for signs of early tanning.
John Boehner was elected House Speaker of the next Congress by House Republicans Thursday. He will run herd over 260 white guys in blue suits and red ties. Sometimes Michelle Bachman feels like she’s just been admitted to Augusta National.
Nancy Pelosi was voted House Minority Leader Wednesday despite $70 million in attack ads against her. How tough is this lady? When you have needles stuck in your face four times a year, only John McCain knows what you’ve been through.
The Congressional Hispanic Caucus met with President Obama Wednesday to secure his backing of an amnesty bill. Hispanics say they’re disappointed by Obama’s lack of enthusiasm. That’s a cruel stereotype of Vulcan-Americans and they owe him an apology.
The FDA banned the beverage Four Loko which blends enough beer and caffeine to produce a wide awake drunken blackout for only $3 a can. It’s the same effect as cocaine and whiskey but a hundred bucks cheaper. Four Loko gives today’s college students their first story to tell their grandchildren about how they survived the Great Recession.
Motor Trend magazine named the Chevy Volt its Car of the Year Tuesday. They want people to switch to cars that run on electricity that’s coal-fueled. It could take West Virginia coal miners 60 years to switch from chewing tobacco to Islam and hate America.
German police beefed up security on Wednesday after al-Qaeda threatened to attack Germany. They must remember their limitations. The Germans may be the only people who can disrupt an al-Qaeda attack and wind up being the defendants in a war crimes trial.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.19.10

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