Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Rangel stood in the well of the House Thursday and apologized to Congress. He thanked them for allowing him to address the greatest body in the world. It’s the same thing the TSA screeners say to the women who go through Los Angeles Airport security.
The TSA was overwhelmed by complaints Friday from passengers who were fondled by airport screeners. Misunderstanding is rampant. Every time Al Gore asks the TSA for a happy ending while they are patting him down, they assure him his flight will land safely.
Prince William announced his engagement to Kate Middleton at Buckingham Palace Tuesday. He gave her the eighteen-carat sapphire ring his father gave to Princess Diana. The ring is actually seventeen-carats of sapphire and one carat recording device and GPS.
Tiger Woods marked the one-year anniversary of his Thanksgiving Day marriage rupture by discussing his golf game. He always gives it a hundred and ten percent. That’s how he wound up giving one hundred percent to his mistresses and ten percent to his wife.
Wesley Snipes was sent to prison for three years Friday for a tax conviction. He was never offered any payment plan. In his last movie Wesley Snipes played a guy who wanted to join a violent and armed group with no regard for the law, but the IRS wasn’t hiring.
The Universal Studios Tour in Hollywood hosted the thirty-three rescued Chilean miners Friday. They got a tram ride that gives visitors a scary, action-packed adventure full of special effects. Every time the tram went into the tunnel the miners started rationing their potato chips.
The National Institutes of Health found Friday that one adult American in five is mentally ill. Treatment is costly. The reason people prefer online shopping and UPS delivery is because stomping on plastic bubble wrap is a lot cheaper than anti-depressant drugs.
President Obama was chided in Portugal Friday for his presidential limo projecting such imperialism. He can launch a nuclear attack, crash the markets or start a trade war. The guy who loads his Teleprompter has more power than anybody since Caesar Augustus.
MSNBC suspended Joe Scarborough Friday for making political donations. The network was horrified to learn he gave to Republicans. MSNBC only suspended Joe but they fired the North Korean staffer in charge of showing him the Queen of Hearts every morning.
President Obama used his weekly address Saturday to urge passage of an arms treaty with Russia. He really cranked up the fear factor. He warned that the Russians have a new missile that can reach our shores, grope our private parts and cause us to miss the next flight.
President Obama urged Senate Republicans Friday to pass the nuclear arms treaty with the Russians. What about all their spying? The Senate should withhold passage of the treaty until the Russians provide the antidote for whatever Oksana Grigorieva injected into Mel Gibson’s forehead while he was asleep and perfectly unprejudiced three years ago.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.23.10

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