Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince William and Kate Middleton agreed to exchange vows at Westminster Abbey in April. It’s a beautiful Anglican ceremony. Every Episcopal church service ends with the benediction, followed by the procession, followed by a golf tournament with prizes.
Buckingham Palace invited the public to the royal wedding, announcing a lottery of one hundred tickets Friday. They want the public involved. If anybody would like to buy the royal couple a wedding gift, they are registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Your Means.
Black Friday beckoned Americans to the mall to help save the economy Friday. It’s a cranky day. You are never more indignant than when you’re shopping in a store you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for a salesperson.
Beverly Hills put up its Christmas lights Friday, luring shoppers from all over the world to Rodeo Drive. It’s not a very religious atmosphere. The Nativity Scene in front of the Beverly Hills Courthouse shows six lawyers standing around Mel Gibson’s love child.
DEA agents found a half-mile-long tunnel which ran underground from Tijuana to San Diego Friday. It has railroad tracks and a rail car. It’s so organized that every trafficker is groped by a screener at the tunnel entrance to make sure that he’s armed and dangerous.
The TSA was besieged by complaints from air travelers Friday. They are outraged that nude images of their bodies can be viewed by strangers just because they flew someplace for the weekend. They shouldn’t have had two drinks and posted them on Facebook.
Sarah Palin misspoke during her Thanksgiving Day radio address urging Americans to stand by our North Korean allies. Perhaps it’s generational. Insiders say that last summer President Obama was this close to asking Congress to declare war on West Korea.
North Korea threatened a nuclear war on the United States Friday. You’d think that China would side with the U.S. on this one. Normally a sense of fair play makes you want to help the little guy kill the big guy, but not if the big guy owes you a hundred trillion dollars.
President Obama needed twelve stitches in his lip Friday after he got elbowed while playing basketball with friends in town for Thanksgiving. He’s lucky. Tiger Woods got a bloody lip last Thanksgiving and he wound up in the Mistress Protection Program.
President Obama didn’t say who busted his lip during a pick-up basketball game Friday. No one knew what to make of it. Whenever President Bill Clinton used to come downstairs on any given Monday with a busted lip, reporters knew he’d had a good weekend.
Michelle Obama received the White House Christmas tree Friday at the mansion’s South Portico driveway on live television. However, the TV cameras left her for a shot of her husband watching from an upstairs window as he iced one of his two busted lips. The first one was for his basketball injury and the second one will be for scene stealing.
Afghanistan president Hamid Karzai was discovered Tuesday to have held peace talks in Kabul with a Taliban impostor. The State Department is fed up. Having Hamid Karzai as your ally is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.
Pope Benedict wrote Saturday that condom use was justified in cases where male prostitutes use them with clients to prevent the spread of AIDS. It was an edgy opinion for a pope. Three monks suffered nervous breakdowns trying to translate the edict into Latin.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 11.30.10

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