Weird things that bug me

The Messenger 12.01.10

The most feedback I have ever received from readers was in regard to a column I wrote a few years ago called, “The Things I’d Never Really Write.” It was basically a long list of things I’d always wanted to say or write but I was too “politically correct” to say them out loud or write them in a column.
But it was early summer and I figured lots of people would be vacationing so I wrote a whole column filled with things like: “I don’t like it when little girls wear make-up in public. I’m sorry. That gives me the creeps.” “Take your hat off indoors.” “If you can’t spell, don’t be in charge of the church sign out front.” “Every child in America doesn’t have to have braces because perfect teeth are not a necessity in order to live a fulfilling life.” Oh, the list went on and on. I was shocked to hear from so many of you who agreed with my ranting.
I thought I had gotten it all off my chest. But, lo and behold, after a few years and a few hormonal “changes,” there’s a whole new list of things that bug me. Don’t feel obligated to agree with me. Don’t even feel obligated to read the rest of this column. Maybe you should just pour some eggnog and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” instead. Be warned.
I don’t like having to look at a television when I’m eating in a restaurant. Good night, people. What happened to human conversation? I don’t like celebrating Christmas before Thanksgiving. I’m tired of hearing people talk on their cell phones in restaurants. Take it outside. In regard to cross walks, let me be clear. When cars are waiting patiently for pedestrians to cross, the pedestrians should NOT SLOW DOWN ... as though they are the center of the universe. Instead, the pedestrian should actually speed up a tad ... as if to say, “Your time is important to me.” Don’t ask how many Christmas trees we have. Are you kidding? We have one. If we had $10 million, we would have one Christmas tree in the living room. I don’t need a Christmas tree (or a television) in my bathroom. If your kids get a lot of presents for Christmas but you have no money in savings, you need to grow up. And when you grow up, it will help them grow up, too. Throwing money at problems doesn’t always solve them. Ask the government. Stop telling me about your perfect kids. My kids wear dirty socks, make average grades (at best) and get in trouble sometimes. I think a lot of wildly successful adults probably have some bad grades and dirty sock wearin’ in their pasts.
Whew! It’s time to stop before this gets out of hand. I promise a more “upbeat” holiday column for next week. And one more thing: If you’re looking for Christmas gifts for relatives you don’t like, my second book of columns has been released this month. A book-signing event will be held this Saturday at noon at the C.E. Weldon Library in Martin. Come by and meet my family. Both books will be available for $10 each. Oh, and if a columnist’s shameless book promotion in a newspaper column bugs you, feel free to start ranting.
Editor’s note: Lisa Smartt’s column appears Wednesdays in the Friends & Neighbors section of The Messenger. She is the wife of Philip Smartt, University of Tennessee at Martin parks and recreation and forestry professor, and is mother to two boys. She is a freelance writer and speaker. Her book “The Smartt View:  Life, Love, and Cluttered Closets” is available at The Messenger, the UT Martin bookstore or by mail for  $10, plus $2 shipping. Send checks to Lisa Smartt, 300 Parrott Road, Dresden TN 38225.
She can be reached by e-mail at lisa@lisasmartt.com. For more information about Lisa Smartt, visit her website lisasmartt.com.

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