Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Christmas shopping began slowly on Black Friday, leaving retailers sad.  More adults than ever won’t be getting any gifts. WikiLeaks just released  Santa’s list of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice and this year there’s  a huge tie at the top with Charlie Sheen.
Hillary Clinton was revealed by WikiLeaks Monday to have told State  Department employees to spy on U.N. delegates. Liberals are after her scalp.  This scandal could kill Hillary’s future and end the Clinton dream of someday  being a two-impeachment family.
Saudi Arabia King Abdullah asked for U.S. action on Iran in cables  outed by WikiLeaks Monday. He urged Americans to cut off the head of the snake. Before the king’s surgery in New York Tuesday he made sure the surgeon clearly understood he was talking about Iran.
Sarah Palin arrived in Phoenix last Sunday to launch her nationwide book tour. She clearly loves campaigning from city to city and savoring the local atmosphere. It took Sarah Palin six hours to get through the Phoenix Zoo because she kept stopping to reload.
DEA agents found a railed drug tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego Friday. It contained a rail car loaded with tons of marijuana. California just offered to allow Willie Nelson to work off his community service sentence by unloading the rail car when he plays San Diego.
Homeland Security said Tuesday TSA screeners must watch a six hour instructional video before patting down passengers. It’s been a life-altering job for some screeners. Since going to work at Los Angeles Airport five of them have been called to the priesthood.
Derek Jeter turned down an offer by the New York Yankees of forty-five million dollars for three years Monday. Is the aging shortstop out of his mind? Only Afghanistan gets paid that kind of money to deteriorate by the day in front of God and everybody.
The Beverly Hills police asked the public for any leads in the murder of Hollywood publicist Ronnie Chasen. It may be a religious problem. Most people here identify themselves as Jehovah’s Bystanders--that’s a Witness who doesn’t want to get involved.
Hillary Clinton flew overseas Tuesday to repair U.S. relations with other nations after the WikiLeaks revelations. Her touch is legendary. When Hillary was a practicing lawyer in Arkansas she once got a client’s parking ticket reduced to second-degree manslaughter.
WikiLeaks revealed Monday that the U.S. was weighing transferring terror suspects from Guantanamo to Illinois State Prison. They’d like it there. Illinois has the cleanest and best-run prisons in the world because Illinois politicians believe in taking care of their own.
The U.S. Senate passed a bill Tuesday giving the FDA more power to recall produce and meat and eggs. Salmonella builds up resistance. It infuriates the Russians that their spies can’t poison our spies without our spies asking the waiter for a second helping.
President Obama decided to briefly delay his vacation Monday to work with Congress. He just traveled to India, Indonesia, South Korea, Japan, then over to Portugal then back out to Hawaii. He thinks he can mystify the Red States by proving the world is round.
President Obama received a report from the Pentagon advising an end to the ban on gays Monday. Is that all they had for him? Is it asking too much for the Joint Chiefs to nominate him for the Purple Lip for the wounds he suffered while defending his basket?
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at  Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.2.10

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