Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama enlisted Colin Powell Wednesday to persuade the Senate to pass a treaty with Russia limiting nuclear weapons. They’re obsolete. Who needs nuclear weapons when we can destroy any country in the world just by defaulting on our Treasury bonds?
Hillary Clinton flew to Asia to repair allied relations hurt by WikiLeaks. She herself was once a young staffer on the House Impeachment Committee that reviewed Richard Nixon’s released secret tapes. You can read the transcripts at TrikiDikiLeaks.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange tried to hide in London from a Swedish arrest warrant Friday. He’s nuts if he thinks he can hide in Britain. London’s covered by so many surveillance cameras it makes U.S. airport security look like the cold shoulder.
The Crystal Cathedral will hold a Christmas Pageant despite church debts. They owe sixty grand for the Nativity Scene’s live animals. Church officials say the figure is so large because they were forced by contract to use union sheep, camels and goats.
General Electric was revealed in Federal Reserve documents to have gotten a secret bailout from the U.S. government. That explains the news bias. Last night NBC reported that President Obama’s economic policies have failed to fix the economy, but in a good way.
House Speaker-to-be John Boehner announced plans Thursday to install the first ladies’ room convenient for women lawmakers, located in the hall outside the House Chamber. It’s about time. Until now they had to drive over to Virginia and go outdoors.
Congressman Charlie Rangel addressed the House Thursday after he was censured for ethics violations. He said he wasn’t going to blame anybody, then he blamed his staff. He won a medal in the Korean War for throwing a subordinate onto a grenade.
President Obama delayed his Hawaii Christmas vacation two days after returning from Asia and Europe. He’s spent two years blowing through other people’s money and traveling the world first-class. If Zsa Zsa Gabor ever dies, the torch has been passed.
House Democrats passed a tax hike Thursday which will be blocked in the Senate by the GOP. The Democrats stood in the well of the House and repeatedly accused the Senate Republicans of holding the middle-class hostage. Speaker Nancy Pelosi opened a bowling bag delivered to her office last night and found Beaver Cleaver’s head in it.
Bill Clinton failed to convince the World Soccer Federation in Zurich to allow the U.S. to host the World Cup Wednesday. He made the pitch but his heart wasn’t in it. Bill Clinton doesn’t have much interest in any sport where you can’t use your hands.
NASA scientists discovered life made from toxic chemicals in a California lake bed. It’s the first organism that can thrive and survive with arsenic in its cell component. It will be mixed with chocolate and marketed as a Kremlin after-dinner mint.
Vladimir Putin told Larry King Tuesday he’d mobilize forces if Russia wasn’t in the missile defense shield. He’s a classic Russian leader. Putin’s love for mankind heats up the planet by two degrees annually, a phenomenon also known as global warming.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 12.6.10

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