Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama compromised Monday, agreeing to extend tax cuts for Republicans in exchange for added jobless benefits for Democrats. Things are dire. Last week Martha Stewart baked a gingerbread house for her TV show and yesterday it went into foreclosure.
Brett Favre looked finished after sustaining a shoulder injury Sunday. This year he’s busted his shoulder, his ankle and had a sex scandal. He’s either getting acupuncture or he’s retiring, because he left the locker room Sunday with a fork in three of his body parts.
Tiger Woods was stunned by Graeme McDowell’s come-from-behind charge Sunday when McDowell sank two long putts to win at the end. Tiger looked very unhappy. He’s thinking about going back to the sex addiction clinic in Hattiesburg for their reversal procedure.
The Weather Channel reported snow, ice storms and freezing temperatures across the country Monday. Reactions vary by region. When it’s forty degrees below zero outside, people in Miami die, hell freezes over and Minnesota schools open two hours late.
Texas was hit by brushfires Monday when cold dry winds swept across the Lone Star State. It was intense. Yesterday Willie Nelson was pulled over by Texas cops and when he opened the door, more smoke poured into the bus than poured out of the bus.
FIFA’s selection committee denied taking bribes Friday after choosing Qatar to host the World Cup. It was a mistake to send Bill Clinton to make the pitch for the U.S. He can’t accuse anybody else of getting something under the table without the room erupting in laughter.
Facebook rolled out new profile pages Monday which pack a lot more information about you on your home page than ever before. That much data on one page is a gold mine. Last year Santa Claus was paid a hundred million dollars by Hustler for his naughty list.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange threatened to release an encrypted poison pill cache of secret U.S. documents. He could expose everything the administration has done. Americans haven’t seen so many people in high places nervous since Heidi Fleiss got arrested.
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange vowed Monday to release secret White House cables to BP and BP cables to the White House about the Gulf spill. BP isn’t ashamed of its cables. It’s perfectly natural for an oil man to refer to Lake Tahoe as a water slick.
Hillary Clinton slammed WikiLeaks Monday for releasing secret State Department cables. They reveal nothing we don’t already know. If Hillary wants to keep a cable secret she’ll hand it to Obama and tell him to stash it next to wherever he keeps his birth certificate.
Jack Kennedy was voted America’s favorite former president in a Gallup Poll out Monday. He was judged by the discreet personal standards of his time and not the tabloid standards of today’s times. Young people won’t believe it, but there was a time in this country when a Democrat could go to confession and that would be the end of it.
Magic Johnson agreed to join an investment group of L.A. billionaires Monday and partner with them to buy an NFL team for Los Angeles. He doesn’t shy from the task at all. This is the month when all black executives have to learn to work with Republicans.
President Obama didn’t thank Republicans or Democrats for their help in crafting the compromise on tax cuts and jobless benefits Monday. Like most politicians, he can be self-centered. In Berlin two years ago Obama gave a speech in front of a column commemorating three German wars of aggression and he thought the cheering was for him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 12.8.10

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