Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel attributed Tuesday’s early winter arrival to this season’s La Nina. The West will remain bone-dry. California is so prone to brushfires that a fire truck must be present whenever Willie Nelson’s tour bus crosses the state line.
Baywatch star Donna D’Errico said TSA screeners targeted her for a nude scan at L.A. Airport due to her looks. Models are outraged. They’re not about to go the way of the music industry and newspapers and let people download their pictures for free.
Senator Harry Reid tried Monday to push through a measure legalizing online poker and giving Nevada and New Jersey a monopoly on the currently outlawed action. It’s a trade protection measure. Harry Reid wants all gangsters to be made in America.
The L.A. Dodgers were ruled community property in the divorce trial of Frank and Jamie McCourt. The marriage broke up over her affair with the chauffeur. Liaisons like that would be impossible if traffic in Los Angeles ever moved from time to time.
President Obama agreed to extend tax cuts for wealthy Americans Monday. It was pure political calculation. The president was hoping if he gave Rush Limbaugh one hundred million dollars the radio host might re-direct his fire toward Donovan McNabb.
President Obama explained his cave-in on taxes Tuesday by saying Republicans were holding the middle-class hostage. The president had to act. Jimmy Carter called and warned him the longer there are hostages the less likely it is he’ll be reelected.
President Obama accused Republicans of taking the middle class hostage at his press conference Tuesday, and he twice referred to the GOP as hostage-takers. It was a bad miscalculation. Now Republicans are more popular in the Muslim world than he is.
President Obama infuriated liberal Democrats Monday when he struck a deal with Republicans to keep tax cuts. He abandoned the left who can’t get him reelected to cut a deal with the right who’ll never vote for him. Now we know he removed the bust of Winston Churchill in the Oval Office to make room for one of George Armstrong Custer.
Dick Cheney was charged by Nigeria Tuesday with bribing Nigerian government officials. It’s explainable. When Cheney was in the hospital he was so out of it he sent his credit card number to every Nigerian Lottery e-mail that said he was a winner.
London canceled FIFA’s hotel rooms for the Olympics Tuesday for changing their England votes to Russia for the World Cup host. It was a tough choice. FIFA members could vote against England and lose their rooms or they could vote against Russia and then spend the rest of their lives ordering the antidote rather than the appetizer.
Jack Kennedy was voted America’s favorite president, just ahead of Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton. The poll reflects the myth more than the reality. If you asked a hundred Americans which of the three got divorced, only one percent would have guessed Reagan.
President Obama said Monday that E Pluribus Unum is the U.S. motto, when actually it’s an inscription on the National Seal. He feels its meaning, One Nation from Many People, honors diversity. When the Founders stamped E Pluribus Unum on the National Seal they were telling the world that Americans come from all four corners of England.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 12.9.10

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