Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Wal-Mart announced Tuesday it will partner with Homeland Security to help battle against domestic terrorism. Over 600 stores will participate. Airport security wasn’t humiliating enough, now we’re all going to get pat-downs from Wal-Mart greeters.
Florida Gators coach Urban Meyer resigned after six seasons and two national titles on Wednesday. The coach chose to be with his family rather than win college football games. He could be prosecuted under Confederate law for getting his priorities backward.
The FDA approved a new diet drug to help battle the obesity epidemic Tuesday. The crisis is affecting our love lives. Young men won’t believe it, but there was a time in Los Angeles when three women could get into a hot tub with you without flooding the patio.
Columbia University students in Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity were busted for selling cocaine. All the cash gave them away. The cops began to get suspicious when the boys hired Barry Manilow to perform his show at a pinning serenade in front of the Theta house.
The U.S. Mint in Philadelphia printed up a billion unusable $100 bills Tuesday. It was a small printing error. Benjamin Franklin cannot be depicted with his baseball cap on backwards, no matter how much street cred the look gives to the currency.
The White House sought custody of Julian Assange Tuesday after he was detained in London. This is globalization. Only in today’s world could an Australian hiding in Britain while operating a website in Sweden find himself getting arrested for un-American activity.
WikiLeaks revealed that Saudi youth are rejecting jihad because they like watching Desperate Housewives and David Letterman every night. Our advantage is obvious. Islam has strict religious law while the West has adultery and TiVo so you don’t miss a night of it.
Sarah Palin’s credit card accounts were disrupted Wednesday when hackers rallied to attack WikiLeaks critics. She drove to the grocery store to buy dinner and her credit card was declined. So she walked out into the parking lot and shot her own pheasant.
President Obama sent Joe Biden to Capitol Hill Wednesday to persuade Democrats to extend tax cuts to the rich. Last week Obama made Biden defend the dismal jobs report. All the great Chicago gangsters used an Irish lawyer to get all the dirty work done.
President Obama was blasted by Democrats Wednesday for giving the GOP tax cuts, earned income tax credits and lower payroll taxes. Democrats and Republicans agree on only one thing now. If Obama had been an Indian chief, Custer would have died of old age.
Oprah Winfrey broke into tears denying she is a lesbian during her Barbara Walters interview for tonight. Women will always adore her. Yesterday Oprah’s studio audience in Chicago went absolutely wild when she gave each member a tax cut and a Chilean miner.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 12.10.10

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