Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bill Clinton was handed the White House podium by Barack Obama Friday to defend Obama’s tax cut deal as only Bill can. The nation was riveted. During that hour, the bond market rallied, the Taliban retreated, and a new male potency pill was approved by the FDA.
Prince Charles’s car was attacked by protesters in London Sunday as he was driving to the theater. The protesters were able to get right up to the window of the prince’s Bentley. That’s what happens when you pass a law keeping the paparazzi twenty feet back.
The Global Warming Summit met in Cancun Friday amid the coldest weather Mexico ever recorded. Even worse they booked an open-air hotel. It was so cold in the rooms that Al Gore had to ask the masseuse to imagine what he’d look like if he dropped his towel.
Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone hidden underneath his mattress at San Quentin State Penitentiary in California last weekend. He paid the price the next day. Prison officials have just added seventy thousand free minutes to his Life Sentencing Plan.
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange awaited a U.S. spying indictment Friday while sitting in a London jail. He vowed if indicted to release a poison pill of encoded documents that’ll spill America’s biggest secrets. Right now only the TSA knows if Lady Gaga is really a lady.
WikiLeaks cables revealed Friday that the State Department believes Cuba is only two or three years away from being insolvent. What a coincidence. That would mean in the hundred-year struggle between communism and capitalism, we finished tied at the end of regulation.
Sarah Palin shot and killed a deer Sunday on her show, Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Her voters loved it. Polls show the average Sarah Palin voter is conservative, family-oriented, church-going, and is in six different YouTube clips describing the sound of the tornado.
President Obama called in Bill Clinton Friday to make the case for his tax cut deal to angry and defiant House Democrats. They refuse to listen to Obama. Barack Obama is just the president, while Bill Clinton, on the other hand, is the husband of the next president.
President Obama was slammed by Democrats meeting on Capitol Hill on Thursday. Since the election he froze federal pay, signed a free-trade deal, and backed extending tax cuts. It turns out that Obama’s birth certificate has been on file all this time at the Reagan Library.
House Democrats cursed the president and threw chairs at a caucus meeting in the U.S. Capitol Thursday. Security is tight at these meetings. Congressmen can’t enter the Caucus Room until the guard at the door sees their ID bracelets, which are inscribed, What Would Curly Do?
House Democrats were hit by a nationwide poll Friday showing America’s poor don’t want to raise taxes on the rich. The reason why is obvious. Rich people buy things, valuable things, and police say ninety-six percent of all home invasions target the wealthy.
The Department of Education released a study Friday showing U.S. kids rank twenty-fifth in math, seventeenth in science, and fourteenth in reading. Our national security is not at risk, however. Our kids remain number one in violent video games by a huge margin.
Homeland Security said Friday that TSA screeners must watch instructional videos before they’re allowed to pat down passengers. The talented ones are promoted. Since the body pat-downs began a month ago, three TSA screeners have been given their own parish.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.14.10

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