Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reported a wintry blast of frigid Arctic air swept down into the South Tuesday. The mercury fell to single digits in South Florida. Last night it was so cold in Palm Beach that the fire department was advising residents to set their houses on fire.
Green Bay Packer fans were profiled Friday in a new HBO documentary about Coach Vince Lombardi. That town has the best fans in the NFL. Green Bay is the only place where married couples stay together so they don’t have to break up the bobblehead dolls.
Brett Favre’s streak of consecutive NFL starts ended Monday at two hundred and ninety-seven games. This year alone he has endured two broken ankles, pulled elbow tendons and a smashed shoulder. When Brett finally confessed to blowing up the World Trade Center, the coach benched him.
President Obama lit the White House Christmas tree Friday. He told the story which he said is dear to himself and Michelle as Christians about how a special baby was born far away from home. Later, the White House clarified that he was talking about Jesus.
San Francisco atheists protested Christmas references on highway billboards in the city. One billboard offers motorists a toll-free number to call if they want help from Jesus. When you call the number, ten minutes later a Mexican shows up with a tow truck.
Senate Democrats tried to ram through a contentious spending bill Tuesday. The argument is over domestic spending. It’s certainly no problem getting a defense bill through the United States Senate when we are fighting an enemy that stones adulterers.
Los Angeles celebrity chef Juan Carlos Cruz was sentenced to nine years in prison this week for offering to hire two homeless men to break into his condo and murder his wife. That’s gratitude for you. You offer a man a job in this economy and he turns you in.
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange’s mother said Tuesday he hasn’t been on a computer for a week while he’s been in jail. It may not get any easier for him when he gets out. If the CIA can devise an ankle bracelet that de-magnetizes any hard drive within the reach of his arms, Julian Assange could have trouble leaking a good thirty years ahead of his time.
Egypt took measures to capture sharks that have been attacking tourists on Egyptian beaches. Last week, sharks ate a Ukrainian and four Russians. The sharks were believed to be innocently obeying their instinct until they hired the lawyers from Countrywide Home Loans.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson arrived in North Korea Monday on his mission to calm Kim Jong Il. It’s not an easy job. He’s considered vain and treacherous by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and he’s got nuclear weapons plants, and that’s just Bill Richardson.
President Obama prepared to delay his Christmas vacation Tuesday to help shove bills through Congress. He also faces the traditional last-minute Christmas shopping. A president can’t shop for Christmas gifts in late November like everyone else does because in Washington D.C., you never know who your friends are going to be in six weeks.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.16.10

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