Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dilma Rousseff will be sworn into office as Brazil’s first woman president in history in two weeks. They had a wild election. A professional clown was elected to Brazil’s Congress, prompting Americans to console their friends in Brazil that they’ll get used to it.
The Minnesota Vikings moved Monday’s game from the Metrodome to the University of Minnesota’s outdoor stadium. That’s insane. The last time the Vikings played an outdoor game in December, the steam from everybody’s breath started a war between two Indian casinos.
Las Vegas opened the Cosmopolitan Hotel and Casino Wednesday, which faces dreary prospects. There just aren’t enough tourists to fill the city’s fourth new luxury hotel in two years. Business is so bad in Las Vegas that Roy’s tiger is now eating him out of necessity.
The Weather Channel showed a freak tornado in Oregon Wednesday. It’s a reminder to Oregonians that nothing is free. You can’t join Texas, Oklahoma and Alabama in the ranks of college football without becoming a star player on the Weather Channel as well.
Washington, D.C., lost decades of drunk driving convictions when faulty breathalyzer machines were uncovered Tuesday. Thousands of drivers will be cleared of DUI charges. Like all Kennedys, Teddy Kennedy’s reputation continues to improve the longer he’s gone.
Facebook’s Mark Zucker-berg was named Time magazine’s Man of the Year. He ended espionage as we know it. Nowadays if James Bond wants to know the secrets of another government he simply goes onto their Facebook page and waits for them to spill their guts.
President Obama’s health care reform law was ruled unconstitutional on Tuesday, setting back the liberal quest for government-run health care. There’s a lot of confusion about ObamaCare. Democrats think it’s a pill while Republicans think it’s a suppository.
President Obama’s health care reform provisions were deemed unconstitutional by a Virginia judge Tuesday. It’s racial discrimination. When a black president slaps a tax on tanning booths, it hinders a white citizen’s right to life, liberty and the pursuit of swarthiness.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 12.17.10

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