Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama signed a bill extending tax cuts for the rich Friday. He hopes to win re-election by governing from the middle as Bush and Clinton did. Now all he needs to do is invade the wrong country or get caught in a sex scandal and he’s in for another six years.
Barbra Streisand led all movie stars in slamming President Obama for extending tax cuts for the rich. It’s a massive and sudden turnaround. At Beverly Hills AA meetings this week, people stopped blaming Bush for their alcoholism and started blaming Obama.
Senate Republicans pushed hard Friday to pass a military supplementary spending bill. It funds the War on Terror. President Obama just unveiled a plan to shut down Guantanamo for good, he’s going to turn it into a small business and let the economy do the rest.
Harry Reid pushed the DREAM Act on Friday to grant citizenship to children of illegal aliens. The debate runs along partisan lines. Democrats say the DREAM Act will result in a greater America, while Republicans say it will result in Greater Mexico.
Mexico reported Friday that thirty thousand Mexicans were killed last year in drug cartel shootouts near the border. The violence has slowed illegal immigration into the U.S. The news broke on Facebook, where Arizona was the first to press the Like button.
The Discovery Channel will air a documentary about Michael Jackson’s coroner’s report this week. It shows that when he died he was on Valium, Xanax, Prozac, Zoloft, Dilaudid, Demerol, and the anesthesia Propofol. This explains why the FAA was notified every time the casket was moved.
Livermore Lab said Thursday that Los Angeles can survive a nuclear attack launched next year. It’ll help Democrats. President Obama would look pretty smart for slapping a ten percent tax on tanning booths just before L.A. became the world’s largest tanning booth.
Brett Favre’s consecutive NFL game streak ended Monday after twenty seasons of quarterbacking every game. The end wasn’t easy to watch. It was so embarrassing to watch Brett Favre standing on the sideline shouting at the kids to get off his property.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from jail and placed under house arrest Thursday. No one cares if he uses a computer anymore. The State Department announced it’s finally solved the embarrassing WikiLeaks problem by using WikiDepends.
Oklahoma executed a death row inmate Thursday by injecting him with a drug used to put down dogs. That’s hardly sporting. If you want to execute a guy in Oklahoma you loan him enough money to strike oil and eventually some woman’s husband will kill him.
The TSA was red-faced at Houston Airport Friday when someone accidentally carried a loaded gun through security. How did that happen? TSA screeners grabbed every thirty-eight that came through the security gate and didn’t find one attached to a trigger or a barrel.
The Gallup Poll Friday said the economy is the top issue for Americans. People told pollsters they are worse off now than they were two years ago. Things are so bad George W. Bush just appeared in a flight suit and declared that the economic recovery is complete.
The Weather Channel aired footage of icestorms and freezing weather from Texas to Florida last week. Shelter is vital. Southern Baptist ministers are very concerned because their congregations are starting to like some of the things they say about Hell.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 12.21.10

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