Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel aired footage Tuesday of flooding and mudslides in Southern California after a week of torrential rain. Yesterday a dozen illegal aliens were rescued from the Los Angeles River. The way the next election is shaping up, every vote counts.
Heathrow Airport passengers were stranded in London for four days because planes couldn’t take off under three inches of ice last week. Bulldozers couldn’t budge the ice, forcing the airplanes to wait. The NFL took one look at the runway and declared it playable.
Brett Favre’s epic career ended on a frozen field outdoors in Minnesota on Monday when a tackler slammed his head into the turf. How cold was it? The next morning the mayor of Duluth put on his overcoat to take out the trash and it didn’t want to go.
Toyota was fined $32 million by the U.S. government for covering up its sudden acceleration problem in May. No one’s forgotten about it. Yesterday a prosecutor in New Jersey dropped a Mafia case when he woke up and found a Toyota in his driveway.
President Obama said Sunday he walks Bo late at night and he scoops up the messes that Bo leaves on the White House lawn. It sounded odd. The White House later clarified this and said Barney left the mess on the White House lawn and Bo is getting all the blame.
The U.S. Senate debated the START nuclear arms treat with Russia Tuesday. It’s in our national interest to be on Russia’s good side. Russians have always hated the Chinese and if Russia goes to war and wipes out China, then we don’t owe anybody anything.
President Obama signed a bill allowing gays to serve openly in the U.S. military on Wednesday. It’s warning to the Afghans. We’ve tried everything on the Taliban except musical comedy and nuclear weapons, so this could be their next-to-last chance to surrender.
Gov. Arnold Schwar-zenegger dropped hints Tuesday that he would like a post in the Obama administration. However, he’s admitted in past interviews to smoking pot and having sex with hookers. That’s what it took for the Kennedy family to accept him.
The FCC voted to regulate the Internet Tuesday, sparking outrage from conservative commentators. It will allocate bandwidth according to what the government deems the best interest of the public. Six months from now, the Drudge Report will be available by word of mouth.
The White House drew up plans Tuesday to detain terrorist suspects at Guantanamo without a trial. They eat like kings, get time off for prayer, reading and TV, and play soccer. At their group meetings they vote for the destruction of Israel by raising their Virgin Coladas.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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