Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Steven Spielberg was recruited by Nancy Pelosi to help re-brand House Democrats Friday after November’s repudiation at the polls. He directed ET. Since he has a track record of making aliens lovable, the Democrats hope he can save their immigration policy.
Britons were upset Friday by the Royal Mint’s new coin honoring Prince William and Kate Middleton. They say the coin makes her look muscular and angry with bags under her eyes and it makes him look like Al Gore. The background even looks like a hotel room.
N.Y. Jets coach Rex Ryan and his wife Michelle were outed on a foot-fetish dating site Thursday showing video of her bare-footed. Whatever turns them on. It doesn’t affect his coaching except that he can’t think straight when it’s fourth down and a foot to go.
The History Channel posted the biggest gain in viewers of all the networks last year on Friday. It figures. Between the recession, the deficit, illegal immigration, the fall of the real estate market and the rise of China, there is no nicer place to live than Nazi Germany.
The White House announced Thursday that President Obama will host the Chinese leader Hu Jintao for an official state dinner in three weeks in Washington. It can’t hurt that they meet in person again. At the very least it’s good exercise for Obama’s lower back.
AARP admitted Thursday the new health care law contains an AARP waiver that will make them millions. They don’t miss a thing. We missed finding bin Laden three years ago when we didn’t follow AARP’s letter to his mailbox congratulating him on turning fifty.
President Obama flew to Honolulu on Thursday to vacation with Michelle. They will relax in paradise while the nation endures blizzards, flooding and flight delays. The vacation was suggested by the first family’s new public relations firm of Lohan and Sheen.
President Obama vowed on Wednesday to fight next year for the passage of the just-rejected bill that gives U.S. citizenship to the children of illegal aliens. They must attend two years of college or serve in the U.S. military. The name of the bill is No Juan Left Behind.
Intelligence Director Jim Clapper was asked by Diane Sawyer Monday about the British raid on terrorists in London that morning and he looked blank and admitted he hadn’t heard about it. Go easy on him. The Director didn’t know what happened because he had to finish up his report calling for gays to serve openly in the intelligence services.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates warned U.S. troops Thursday that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is still law pending a review on its effect on morale. It could be reinstated. They were a little concerned when reinforcements landed in Afghanistan Friday and marched off the plane in a conga line.
Chicago’s Election Board said Rahm Emmanuel can run for mayor despite the fact he leased his house two years ago and doesn’t meet the one-year residency requirement. Just because something’s illegal doesn’t stop it in Chicago. This is the town that once came within two votes on the City Council of naming their international airport after Al Capone.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.28.10

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