Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Disney World hosted Chile’s thirty-three rescued miners Tuesday at the Florida theme park in Orlando. The temperature was twenty-four degrees. The miners are in Florida to coach citrus growers on how to avoid cannibalism while they’re in this hole.
New Jersey cops said thousands of people were stranded in their cars Sunday by snowstorms. However, later they said thousands were stranded in their homes. They realized their error when they saw all the toasters plugged into the cigarette lighters.
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell blasted the NFL for cancelling Sunday’s Eagles game due to Philadelphia’s blizzard. The NFL had no choice. The snow was four feet deep and Michael Vick’s probation does not allow him to get to the stadium by dog sled.
President Obama called Eagles owner Jeff Lurie to praise him for giving Michael Vick a second chance at the game. The kid’s trying. It’s cruel to allow animals to viciously attack each other for a crowd’s entertainment, but football is all he knows.
Hawaii’s governor sought to release Obama’s birth certificate Monday. Hawaii’s privacy laws prevent releasing it without Obama’s consent. California has a law just like it and that’s why actors can play high school students until they are forty.
Budweiser heir August Busch is under probe after a second girlfriend in twenty years died at his home under suspicious circumstances. He really looks guilty. In this year’s Super Bowl commercial, Al Cowlings will be driving the team of Clydesdales.
South Carolina legislators were unable Monday to vote any funds to mark the Civil War’s one hundred and fiftieth anniversary at Fort Sumter in Charleston, where it began. Reconstruction is just endless. If we put the kind of sanctions on Iran that Lincoln put on the South, everyone in Teheran would be taking off work for the Jewish holidays.
Hillary Clinton was named the Most Admired Woman in America in the Gallup Poll for the ninth straight year. It’s her title for two more decades. With Hugh Hefner setting the pace for her husband, public sympathy for Hillary Clinton will never end.
Hugh Hefner announced Monday he will marry twenty-two-year-old blonde playmate Crystal Harris. Imagine his utter joy. Under Los Angeles law, the older a man is than his wife, the closer he’s allowed to sit near Jack Nicholson at the Lakers games.
Pat Robertson shocked his TV viewers when he called for the decriminalization of pot. He’s acting strange lately. Some viewers suspected something was odd last month when Pat Robertson began asking God to protect the tunnels leading to San Diego.
California Governor-elect Jerry Brown fired the state lottery director Tuesday in Sacramento. He wants his own man in the job. He’s married now, unlike the first time he was governor, and his wife is tired of losing on those scratchers every week.
U.S. Customs arrested a man landing at L.A. Airport with fourteen pounds of cocaine disguised as Easter eggs. You’ve never seen a Beverly Hills Easter egg hunt. The kids stand by and watch while the parents run frantically around looking for the eggs.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 12.30.10

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