Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arkansas wildlife officials couldn’t explain Sunday why hundreds of blackbirds fell out of the sky that morning and crashed to the ground dead. The federal government leaped right into action. The TSA just announced it’s going to start screening chicken eggs.
The U.S. Navy fired the captain of the USS Enterprise Monday for making lewd videos to boost crew morale. The videos had gay jokes, simulated sex and group showers. It took two days for the armed services to go from Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to a reality show on Bravo.
Congressman John Boehner became Speaker of the House Wednesday. His first task is a bill to increase America’s national debt past $14 trillion. We may have scaled back our manned space program but we’ll never give up our quest to reach infinity.
House Republicans took over Congress Wednesday with partisan anger spoiling the handover ceremony. The outgoing chaplain prayed for Congress to promote welfare and social justice for all. The next day the Republicans recited the Constitution in rebuttal.
Nancy Pelosi caused John Boehner to blush while handing him the gavel Wednesday, kidding him for wanting a big gavel. He got even. He vowed that Congress will repeal health care reform and you should’ve seen the face that Nancy Pelosi tried to make.
Congress began its session with a reading of the U.S. Constitution Thursday. It was a day in hell for Democrats. The reader made the mistake of reading the original U.S. Constitution and now the Congressional Black Caucus has only three-fifths of a vote.
The White House called off the end-of-life counseling in their Medicare reform program Wednesday. The president said he won’t support any program that pulls the plug on grandma. In this economy, grandma’s heirs prefer the much quicker pillow option, anyway.
The Washington Post accused Sarah Palin of over-acting in her warnings against the end-of-life provisions in health care. She’s a natural actress. When Sarah Palin was a teenager in Alaska she played the female lead in her high school play, The King and Me.
Michael Jackson’s bodyguard testified Tuesday that his attending doctor didn’t know how to give CPR as he lay dying. It’s no crime. A Los Angeles ordinance only requires you to be able to administer CPR if you’re a lifeguard, or a firefighter, or engaged to Hugh Hefner.
California enacted a new state law Monday making marijuana possession the same penalty as a parking ticket. Passage was easy. The Pot Party is so powerful in the Golden State that once a year the governor gives a speech to a joint session of Californians.
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices approach $100 a barrel on Wednesday. It’s ominous news. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that yesterday the police pulled over a van and found 60 legal Americans inside it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.7.11

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