Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
China’s president Hu Jintao arrives in the U.S. capital for talks at the White House this week. He’s said he’s always amazed whenever he sees the Washington Monument. He simply can’t understand how a city of three million people can get by with one watchtower.
New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said Friday he doesn’t mind his team’s image as drinking, womanizing brawlers. He’s the heir to Johnson & Johnson’s. The more he can encourage Americans to live life to the very fullest, the more first aid kits his family can sell.
The Weather Channel reported a blizzard hit New York for the second time in two weeks. It brought record low temperatures. The bad news is, the Hudson River is frozen solid, but on the bright side it makes a much smoother landing for airliners that hit geese.
Kelsey Grammar’s third wife retracted her charge Friday that he wears women’s clothing. She just rejected his fifty million dollar divorce offer so he could marry another actress. It’s something to remember the next time you hear someone say Cialis only costs fifteen dollars a pill.
Brett Favre’s sister Brandi was busted Tuesday for operating a meth lab in her home in Mississippi. It’s an epidemic. Did you ever think you would see the day when Contac cold capsules replaced Crisco as the most indispensable ingredient in Southern cooking?
China’s leaders surprised visiting U.S. defense officials Tuesday by unveiling China’s first stealth jet bomber invisible to radar. However, the bomber only has a range of five hundred miles. A half hour after the Chinese fuel the plane, it’s hungry for fuel again.
The N.Y. Mercantile Exchange saw oil near a hundred dollars a barrel Friday. Gasoline prices are ruinous once again. Last week Oprah Winfrey gave away cars to everybody in her studio audience and she was nearly killed by all the keys that came flying back to her.
The White House refused to make a comment Friday on the soaring gasoline prices. However the government is willing to help. The Treasury Department just offered to either mail you your income tax rebate or they can deposit it directly into your gas station.
Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was accused of sex with an underage stripper Friday. His opponents say when he dies, they’ll cheer at his memorial service. The University of Arizona charges five thousand dollars a night for the arena, which includes the crowd and the T-shirts.
President Obama eased the travel ban to Havana Friday for church, cultural and ethnic groups so they can go to Cuba. Their efforts to end the ban were tireless and determined. One ethnic group is never going to rest until they get their casinos back.
Homeland Security scuttled the virtual fence on the Mexican border Friday. The billion-dollar project used invisible light beams to stop illegal aliens. Of course it didn’t work but it did earn the fencing contractor the Nobel Prize in Salesmanship.
Senator Mark Udall proposed Wednesday that Democrats and Republicans sit mixed together during the State of the Union speech instead of on separate sides. It had to be the president’s idea. Nothing throws off a comedian like when half the room is laughing at your jokes while the other half of the room is just standing up and applauding them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.18.11

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