Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The N.Y. Jets team pilot saw the Empire State Building lit up in green and white colors Sunday and buzzed the skyscraper. Green and white are also Islam’s colors. Witnesses on the ground were sure that in another few minutes Rudy Giuliani would be leading in Iowa.
China’s President Hu Jintao flew to Washington Tuesday on the wings of the strongest economy in the world. The Chinese people now work ten hours a day. They used to work eight hours a day like everybody else, but then WalMart decided to stay open until eleven.
Chinese President Hu Jintao was greeted at Reagan National Airport Tuesday by Joe Biden. He has four days of meetings all over the U.S. capital. He’s being accompanied everywhere he goes by a hundred Chinese security agents to make sure he doesn’t defect.
Barack Obama and Hu Jintao held a joint press conference on Wednesday. Only two Chinese reporters and two American reporters were permitted to ask them questions. For two guys with no discernible religion they sure seem to like slow-pitch church softball.
Starbucks rolled out the coffee chain’s new thirty-ounce cups of coffee Monday in its New York City and Los Angeles stores. It could revitalize the U.S. economy. People will pour the thirty-ounce coffee drinks into four separate cups and go into their own business.
Oil and Gas Journal warned Monday of four-dollar-a-gallon gasoline if drilling for oil remains curtailed by the White House. However, the use of ethanol is a win-win deal for every American. The gasoline is cheaper and it diverts some corn from Frito production.
House Republicans warn-ed of medical treatment delays Tuesday under health care reform rules. That’s unacceptable to Americans. It’s really annoying when you come home from a trip to Mexico with dysentery then have to travel back to Mexico to get treatment.
University of California workers were granted a provision in their health care plan Tuesday that pays for sex-change operations. Tax-payers are angry because the money could go to highway repair. The workers are angry because the plan only gives them two options.
Haiti’s exiled dictator Baby Doc Duvalier returned to Haiti from France Monday and faced old charges. His travel options were limited. He tried to enter the U.S. but he was denied a U.S. visa and told he’d have to run across the Mexican border like everybody else.
Ayatollah Ali Khameni of Iran angered Iranians Tuesday by tweeting messages after he’d banned tweeting in Iran. It’s no big deal. He’s a moderate compared to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, which means that he believes in beheading and stoning, but also in recycling.
Pakistan was hit by a seven-point earthquake Tuesday on the remote mountainous Afghan border. Mild warning temblors shake Los Angeles on many nights. This past week two people suffered concussions after setting their Golden Globes on their headboards.
The Golden Globe Awards drew huge ratings for NBC Sunday night. The whole town was on display. Hollywood is not a town, it’s a Venus Fly Trap which attracts pretty people who want to be famous and smart people who want to sleep with pretty people and devour them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.20.11

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