BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dick Cheney told the Today Show Monday he needs heart transplant surgery. This is a Hollywood remake. Dick Cheney wants a heart, the Tucson sheriff needs a brain, Obama is asking for courage and the president of China is taking a balloon ride back home.
The Ronald Reagan Library is offering a book of Ronald Reagan’s favorite food and drink recipes to honor his hundredth birthday. His holiday eggnog recipe is two parts bourbon and two parts eggnog. The Gipper always did believe in peace through strength.
The JFK Library celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of Jack Kennedy’s inauguration in Boston Friday. There’s a dispute over which actor played JFK best. Historians maintain that Martin Sheen best captured JFK’s qualities but the eyewitnesses say Charlie Sheen did.
President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress Tuesday. They’re taking precautions. During the speech China’s president will be kept outside the House Chamber in case of catastrophe to assure a continuity of deficit.
China’s President Hu Jintao toasted America at the White House state dinner in his honor on Wednesday. He looked a bit bewildered. How good a time can you really be having if somebody is throwing a lavish party in your honor with money you loaned him?
Hu Jintao flew to Chicago for a lunch with hundreds of businessmen and bankers on Friday. In the last few years China has bought up nine hundred billion dollars in U.S. Treasury bills. He’s holding so much U.S. debt even the Mexicans admit that it’s his country.
Hu Jintao flew home to China Saturday after four days in the United States. It’s such a relief when the creditor leaves. America now has a month to make the rent or we’ll be forced to move back in with Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip and live in the basement.
House Republicans passed a bill Wednesday to repeal the Democrats’ health care bill, which forced Americans to buy medical insurance. They’re writing a new bill. Under the Republican health care bill, medical insurance is voluntary, but it forces everybody to take golf lessons.
Congressman Steve Cohen spoke in the House Wednesday and likened Republican arguments against the health care law to Nazi propaganda. Progressives have never sounded so strident. CNN now routinely refers to Sarah Palin as head of the Palin crime family.
The FBI arrested one hundred twenty-seven mafia chieftains and hit men and loan sharks Thursday in Brooklyn. One of the wise guys is ninety years old and lost his marbles years ago. Last year he had a guy whacked because he thought he was working for Batman.
The U.S. launched a huge spy satellite Thursday able to snap close-up pictures and see through roofs from outer space. What a revenue generator. Can you imagine how much money subscribers will pay for a cellphone app that can provide live sex shows and count cards?
Kim Kardashian announced Thursday she will launch a clothing line for Sears this year. She’s working hard to improve her advertising image. Last month her endorsement deal for a teen credit card went sour and on New Year’s Day, Goodwill declined her bed.
The Education Department released a study Wednesday showing half of all college students today learn nothing their first two years in college. That’s disgraceful. Not one Baby Boomer reached his junior year at Oklahoma without knowing where the cops are always parked.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.24.11