Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address before the U.S. Congress tonight. His speechwriters want him to begin by saying that the State of the Union is good. Starting a speech with a good joke is the surest way to get the crowd on your side.
GOP Congressman Paul Ryan was selected to give the Republican response tonight to the president’s State of the Union speech. He’s the Republican with all the brains but he’s not the one with all the charisma. She can’t be bothered during polar bear season.
Iran outlawed Valentine’s Day Friday, banning the exchange of cards and flowers and candy. It’s what Westerners exchange to express our deepest love. If the typical American workaholic can buy all three items in one stop it’s a victory that we talk about for weeks.
West Point honored U.S. hostages released by Iran thirty years ago last Friday. The Iranians seized the U.S. Embassy, took U.S. hostages and burned U.S. flags. Thirty years later it’s impossible to convey to younger people just how much some people hated disco.
Taco Bell dropped its sponsorship of MTV’s Skins Friday when parents threatened to boycott Taco Bell. Skins depicts high school kids partying hard. Learning that Mexican food will sober you up for the drive home is something you’re not supposed to know until college.
The Parents Television Council ripped Viacom Thursday over MTV’s new teen drama Skins because of all the underage sex, drinking and drug use. It’s obviously a fantasy about high school life. A reality show about high school life would be called Locked Down Until the Shooter is Found.
Hawaii’s governor said Friday he still can’t find Obama’s birth certificate. He can’t get through the crowd at the hall of records. Looking for Obama’s birth certificate has become something tourists love to do late in the afternoon after they’ve had enough sun.
White House press secretary Robert Gibbs hedged Monday when asked if President Obama has really quit smoking. It’s never the smoker’s fault. President Obama says he’d like to quit smoking but he can’t get the sixty votes in the Senate to make it happen.
China’s president Hu Jintao thanked president Obama for his hospitality Thursday before he left. The White House state dinner belonged on Comedy Central. The head waiter asked Obama six times who gets served first and Obama agreed with him all six times.
Hu Jintao visited a Chicago school Friday which teaches the Chinese language to U.S. kids. Tomorrow’s American needs to know Spanish in order to give instructions and Chinese in order to take instructions. English will still be spoken, but only in the traditional masses.
Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it will completely renovate Disneyland’s theme locations inside the park. Disney officials explained they want to allow young people to see the future in all its wonder. Tomorrowland is a scale model of Mexico City.
Los Angeles was rated the rudest city in America in a survey conducted of tourists for Travel and Leisure magazine. That’s easily solvable. L.A. is the most gracious, helpful and welcoming city on earth when tourists simply introduce themselves as producers from out of town.
The FBI arrested one hundred and twenty-seven Mafia figures in Brooklyn Thursday, incarcerating most of the mob family bosses. What’s left is obvious. John Gotti Jr. will get a blue ribbon from the Westminster Kennel Club next week as the Last Dog Standing.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.25.11

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