Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Green Bay Packers reached the Super Bowl Sunday, capping off a stellar playoff run by beating Chicago. In three weeks they knocked off the Eagles and Falcons and Bears. It takes forty-nine extra-large men to keep up with Sarah Palin during hunting season.
Fox rejected a Super Bowl ad Monday from a company that sells Jesus Hates Obama T-shirts and bobblehead dolls. That would be rude. Why would Fox want to remind Baptists that they skipped church today to get to the Super Bowl party before the beer runs out.
A Tucson taco stand said Friday it’ll start selling tacos filled with lion meat. The last thing Arizonans should eat is lion meat. It’s one thing to catch illegal aliens as they’re crossing the border, but it’s quite another thing to chase them down and snap their necks.
Jack LaLanne died at the age of ninety-six Monday of respiratory failure while he was home up in Morro Bay, California. He spent his long lifetime preaching fitness and nutrition to three generations of TV viewers. At his funeral, he will carry his own casket.
Troy Aikman told HBO the NFL should return to leather helmets and no face masks to reduce helmet-to-helmet hits. He said tacklers won’t risk exposing their faces to hit someone. Like comedians and preachers, quarterbacks just assume that everyone’s as vain as they are.
Rahm Emanuel was kicked off Chicago’s mayor election ballot by the Illinois appeals court Monday. The judges ruled he didn’t meet the one-year residency requirement. Chicagoans fans don’t care how banged up his knee is, they want him out there running.
Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler was ripped by fans after he stood on the sidelines in the second half Sunday rather than try to play on a sprained knee. People in the stadium were livid. Ten thousand fans were hospitalized after the game with middle-finger frostbite.
Comcast’s purchase of NBC from GE was approved Thursday by the FCC, putting NBC and MSNBC under a Republican CEO. Keith Olbermann was gone two days later. You can tell GE’s a defense contractor because they built all the anchor chairs with ejector seats.
Dick Cheney called President Obama a one-term president last Monday in a Today Show interview. He’s facing a deadline. If Dick Cheney doesn’t overthrow a government every ten years, the Wicked Witch of the West will kick him off the flying monkey team.
President Obama urged House and Senate Democrats Friday to get things done and avoid gridlock like last year. That’s a lesson the Democrats certainly learned the hard way. Gridlock just gives everybody more time to sit in the car and listen to Rush Limbaugh.
House Republicans vowed to block new spending proposals on Monday. Last session the GOP blocked climate change, amnesty and tax hikes. NFL teams should require all offensive lineman to register Republican to give the quarterbacks more time in the pocket.
Bill Clinton offered to revive the Bob Hope Desert Classic using his Clinton Global Initiative to lure stars and aid local charities. The real estate crash was so bad that Palm Springs has replaced Darfur as the object of world compassion and pity. Last month Angelina Jolie went to the Eisenhower Medical Center, where she adopted a trust-fund baby.
Pakistan appealed to the U.S. for earthquake money Friday one month after the U.S. rushed them flooding aid. They also need military money to fight the Taliban. Having Pakistan as your ally is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.26.11

Print