Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama gave his State of the Union speech from the U.S. Capitol in a buoyant mood Tuesday. He’d just received some tremendous economic news. They finally found his birth certificate in Honolulu and discovered that he too is Oprah Winfrey’s half-sister.
President Obama in his State of the Union called for lower corporate tax rates and fiscal discipline. He overcame an excruciating personal handicap to give a fine address. He worked with a London speech therapist for a year to learn how to talk to Republicans.
President Obama told Congress on Tuesday he inherited a legacy of deficit spending and that more of it was necessary to put money in people’s pockets. It didn’t work. The Democrats still lost the House and Rahm Emanuel got kicked off the ballot in Chicago.
Democrats and Republican lawmakers agreed to sit mixed together during the State of the Union, not separated by parties. So they had to ask each other for sit-by dates, risking rejection and humiliation. For crying out loud, the reason they became famous and powerful in the first place was so they’d never have to live through junior high again.
Oprah Winfrey announced Monday she’s discovered a half-sister who was given up for adoption as a child. The crowd went wild when Oprah brought her out onstage. The sister must now decide whether she wants the money in one lump sum or in annual payments.
Joe Biden was called home to Delaware Monday to answer a summons to appear in court for jury duty. He can get out of jury duty if he can convince the judge that his job is essential. The trial could last eight weeks, so we may not see him again until April.
Hillary Clinton returned from her extensive trip to the Middle East and Asia last week. Twice she was caught on tape falling up the stairs as she boarded her plane. It would have been the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to her if she’d married better.
Pope Benedict praised Facebook Sunday but the pope added there is no substitute for personal interaction. He’s being needlessly alarmist. Once the pope finds out how much you can sin at your keyboard, he’ll stop being afraid that the Internet could put him out of business.
Michelle Obama proposed changing food content to reduce U.S. obesity rates. Ingredients can solve the fat problem. A century ago the average man weighed one hundred forty pounds, the average woman weighed a hundred pounds, and Coca-Cola contained cocaine.
President Obama vowed in his State of the Union speech to settle the problem of illegal aliens once and for all. He’d like them to be legal by the next election. By the election after that they’ll own their own homes and businesses and vote Republican forever.
The King’s Speech received twelve Academy Award nominations Tuesday. Between The King’s Speech and the royal wedding, great Britain has never been more popular in America. When God gives President Obama a bad year, it lasts the entire twelve months.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.27.11

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