Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hosni Mubarak stepped down as president of Egypt on Friday after eighteen days of massive protests against his rule. He refused to resign until he’d won a last-minute legal victory. The Illinois Supreme Court just ruled he’s eligible to run for mayor of Chicago.
Switzerland froze Hosni Mubarak’s assets Friday after he resigned as president of Egypt. Opponents will file charges that he stole forty billion dollars in gold. In response he just hired Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer to convince the jury he was just borrowing the gold.
Lindsay Lohan sashayed into Los Angeles court Wednesday to face felony charges of grand theft. She looked just sensational after one hundred days of sobriety. Many of her closest friends are worried that her shoplifting is starting to get in the way of her drinking.
Donald Trump told the conservative convention in Washington D.C. Friday he might run for president. He’s a known commodity. His beautiful young wife Melania decided to marry Trump because she saw two things in him, a billion dollars and high cholesterol.
The U.S. Navy spent five hundred grand on the Super Bowl flyover even though the stadium roof was shut. It’s the symbolism that mattered. Americans don’t mind taking a moment to remember the overspenders in Washington who died fighting monogamy last year.
Congressman Chris Lee resigned Thursday when the married lawmaker was caught sending shirtless photos of himself to women online. Every year someone has to learn the same lesson. There’s a right way and a wrong way to surprise your wife on Valentine’s Day.
Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller filed their final divorce papers Friday in L.A. The last straw for her was the ambulance call two weeks ago. Before Charlie would tell the emergency rescue operator where he lived, he made her tell him what she was wearing.
The Academy Award for Best Picture Sunday will pit The King’s Speech about King George VI against The Social Network about Facebook founder Jeff Zuckerberg. The King and the Facebook founder have one interesting trait in common. They both lost Egypt.
President Obama had a heated argument on the phone Thursday with Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah over whether the U.S. should stand by Mubarak. The president has a sporting interest in the outcome. Obama will never again complain about his lack of bowling skills on the Tonight Show if he can pick up the Tunisia-Egypt-Saudi Arabia split.
Cairo went wild Friday when Egypt’s vice president announced that Hosni Mubarak was resigning. He’s replaced by a military council headed by the former secret police chief. Argentina is demanding to know why Egypt gets democracy points with this roster and all Argentina ever gets are people noticing the number of German names in their phone book.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.15.11

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