Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama proposed a budget of almost four trillion dollars Monday, pleasing no one. It adds a seven dollar tax on airline tickets to pay for airport screeners. That comes out to three dollars and fifty cents a breast, the same rate Colonel Sanders charges.
Playboy Mansion guests caught Legionnaire’s Disease spread by a DJ’s fog machine at a dance party there Saturday. The victims also caught a break that saved their lives. It just so happens that all the fire extinguishers at the Playboy Mansion are filled with penicillin.
Southern California basked in record heat last weekend while the rest of America recovered from the cold. It’s an old Spanish legend that the hot desert breeze makes Californians crazy. It was so hot in Los Angeles Friday that Lindsay Lohan was sticking to her story.
Lady Gaga stole the show at the Grammy Awards Sunday at the Staples Center. The heavy favorites didn’t win. In the evening’s biggest upset surprise, the Grammy for Best Background Music went to Amy Winehouse’s ambulance over Charlie Sheen’s ambulance.
Donald Trump told a conservative meeting Friday he may run for president. He’s certainly a man of his times. Of all the seventy million Baby Boomers, Donald Trump is the only one who’s still wearing his Davy Crockett coonskin cap everywhere he goes.
The Conservative Political Action Conference heard speeches from GOP candidates Friday as the Mideast roiled. The news outside confused the conservatives at first. When they heard a Muslim president was stepping down, the speakers said nice things about Obama out of chivalry.
Egypt’s new government began implementing democratic reforms Monday. The nation will be ruled by the secret police chief along with a council of army generals. Nothing says reform like adopting Germany’s old law of succession should Hitler die in office.
Walmart said Monday it will try not to raise clothing prices, as commodity prices soared. Cotton futures prices are the highest since the War Between the States. The South never dreamed that fried food could double cotton prices by tripling the size of T-shirts.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg caught holy hell Monday after he told a drunk Irish joke at an Irish-American heritage dinner. He’s done everything he can to make it up to the Irish community. He even invited Mel Gibson to City Hall to tell jokes about the Jews.
Pope Benedict approved a new app that allows Roman Catholics to make confessions over their iPhones Friday. What a rotten trick. It’s the sneakiest way ever devised for the FBI to eavesdrop on Chicago politicians and find out where the voters are buried.
The Vatican announced Wednesday that Pope Benedict is no longer an organ donor and had the pontiff’s name removed from Italy’s organ donor list. Enough is enough. They are tired of people shooting at the Popemobile every time somebody needs a liver.
The Transportation Department considered plans Monday to require that all new cars be equipped with black box data recorders. This could save the legal profession. The GPS tracking alone could provide enough evidence to triple the divorce rate in six months.
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced Friday he’s resuming his show business career and told his agent he will start fielding offers again. He’s shrewd. In politics a twenty percent rating is just terrible but in television it puts you right behind American Idol.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.16.11

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