Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Wisconsin’s governor started a riot Thursday by saying their budget deficit requires state employees to contribute to their benefits. Wisconsin’s tax revenues should be skyrocketing. Single women in Los Angeles now look for rich husbands on the dairy aisle.
Jeopardy pitted man vs. machine Tuesday when IBM’s Watson Computer clobbered all-time Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings. It was a bad day for geeks. After the show the computer added insult to injury by leaving the studio with Ken Jennings’s girlfriend.
The Playboy Mansion was inspected by health officials Wednesday after people were hospitalized during a Playboy dance party. People suddenly got nauseous and vomited all over the carpet. Inspectors are working on the theory that Hugh Hefner’s robe fell open.
Bahrain protesters rioted Thursday just blocks from the U.S. Fifth Fleet at port in the kingdom. Our sailors there have a brutal daily training regimen. When you’re based in a port ruled under Islamic law, it’s like belonging to three different Twelve Step programs.
Hosni Mubarak remained secluded Friday at the Egyptian seaside resort of Sharm el Sheikh. He’s only released one statement. He’d like everyone to know that he’s now available to oppress people at banquets, conventions, weddings and birthday parties.
Arizona sheriffs demanded Friday that Homeland Security build a border fence in Arizona. A fence can be partially successful. California’s twenty-foot high border fence hasn’t stopped illegal aliens from reaching U.S. soil but it’s left them slightly winded.
Wisconsin’s capitol was swarmed by union protesters Thursday. Republicans claim the protesters were bused in from out of state. They could have split the protesters into two warring camps simply by playing the Chicago Bears fight song over the PA system.
Wisconsin Senate Democrats fled the state Thursday to deny Republican attempts to curb union benefits. Tempers flared. The governor demanded that legislators show up for work and do what legislators do, post shirtless pictures of themselves on the Internet.
Speaker John Boehner and Senate Majority leader Harry Reid argued Thursday over whether Democrats or Republicans should get the blame for a U.S. government shutdown. Both guys have misread the public mood. They should be arguing over who gets the credit.
The TSA was rocked by news Tuesday that security screeners stole money out of passengers suitcases at Newark and Honolulu airports. The airlines aren’t responsible for the suitcases. All passengers are clearly warned that the contents may shift during the flight.
CBS News covered up the gang rape of CBS reporter Lara Logan in Cairo’s Tahrir Square last week. They didn’t want to rock the boat until the protesters won. Cairo’s Tourism Bureau is already promising visitors that what happens in Egypt stays in Egypt.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.21.11

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