Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
George Clooney told Democrats Friday he can’t run for political office. He explained he couldn’t get elected because he slept with so many women and did way too many drugs. Thirty minutes a week is all the American public will stand for this kind of behavior.
CBS canceled this year’s four remaining Two and a Half Men episodes Friday, citing Charlie Sheen’s manic behavior. He was perfectly rational when he got the news during a radio interview. He didn’t blame the network, he blamed the Wisconsin Teachers Union.
Charlie Sheen went on radio Thursday dishing out anti-Semitic slurs against his TV show producer and claiming he could turn tin into gold. It’s the drugs. He’s so far out there that the Church of Scientology just warned all their new members not to be recruited into his cult.
Lindsay Lohan tweeted her support for Libya’s pro-democracy protesters in Tripoli Friday, displaying a newly-acquired world awareness. She’s actually watching the news. Most young adults in Los Angeles merely assume that Tripoli is Kim Kardashian’s cup size.
Colonel Moammar Khadaffi refused to step down Friday and he ordered Libyans to sing and dance in the streets. His military rank is not a real title. Forty years ago he received the honorary title of Colonel for inventing a secret recipe for Southern fried goats.
Moammar Khadaffi mystified the world Tuesday by going on television and blaming the revolt on Osama bin Laden slipping LSD into his people’s Nescafe. He’s since regained his sanity. He now believes the whole thing is being orchestrated by the Allstate mayhem guy.
U.S. refugees made it to Malta from Libya aboard a cruise ship Friday after their ship had been stalled in Tripoli’s harbor by the weather for three days. The passengers were in a foul mood on the evacuation ship. After three days of nightclub routines on the differences between men and women and the inconvenience of air travel, they overthrew the comedian.
The FBI arrested a Saudi college student operating out of Lubbock on Wednesday for plotting to build a bomb to blow up U.S. landmarks under al-Qaeda’s instruction. There’s now an al-Qaeda of Lubbock? These guys have more franchises than The Real Housewives.
Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah tried to forestall revolt Thursday by giving his subjects thirty-seven billion dollars in direct payments. It worked. He spent days handing out cash to everybody and by Wednesday morning he was the mayor of Chicago.
White House former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago last week after a coalition of unions, women and businessmen joined to support his election. The win could bring some major changes to his life. He’ll probably have to move to Chicago.
Sarah Palin gave a paid speech in Manhattan last week which drew rave reviews in the New York Post. While in town she reportedly purchased a knock-off Gucci purse. The knock-offs are made in Taiwan at a cost of only a dollar apiece, just like the real ones.
Canada decided Friday to let Randy Quaid and his wife stay in the country despite U.S. extradition requests. It never ends. Next year’s Oscar ceremony will pause for a respectful montage of stars who are now in rehab, plus a montage of stars who need to be in rehab.
Virgin Airlines founder Sir Richard Branson launched Virgin Galactic Friday. Their space ships will take rich people for rides into outer space. Islamic terrorists are going to be just furious when they hear that the Americans are up there and on the Virgins first.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.1.11

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